The Muppet Movie subtitles

(LAUGHS)
- I'm Statler.
- I'm Waldorf.
We're here to heckle
The Muppet Movie.
Gentlemen, that's straight ahead.
Private screening room D.
- Private screening?
- Yeah, they're afraid to show it in public.
(LAUGHING)
STATLER: Oh, oh. Look at
this place. What a dump.
WALDORF: Bunch of weirdos around here. Look at 'em.
- Yes, I know you all want to sit with moi.
- Hey, lady. Is this seat taken?
Hey, you! Hey! Bring that back.
I'm so nervous. If I'm not funny,
I won't be able to live with myself.
Well, then you'll have to get
another apartment, won't you?
You know, I hear this
movie is dynamite.
Get your fresh organic
popcorn. Only a buck.
Honey. Buy me some, please.
Sure, Momma. Nothin's
too good for my woman.
Woman! Woman! Woman!
- Well, I like the movie fine so far.
- It hasn't started yet.
- That's what I like about it.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING)
Yie, yie, yie, yie, yie!
Do it. Yay! (LAUGHING)
Oh, hey, Mr. the Frog.
Is it okay for me and my boomerang
fish to be in your movie?
Hey!
I told you, Lew. Not in the
movie or at the screening.
Hey, but watch. Whoa!
(CLEARS THROAT) Kermit, does this
film have socially redeeming value?
Oh, I... I certainly hope so,
Sam. Sorry about that.
- Kermie.
- Oh, hi, Piggy.
Kermie, I tried to save you
a seat, but somebody took it.
Hi, everybody, and welcome to the
first screening of The Muppet Movie.
(ALL CHEERING)
But before we begin, I'd like to thank
everyone who contributed to this film,
starting with the little people, from
the hairdressers to special effects.
That's enough of that, Harry.
- (ALL CLAMORING)
- Boom! Blow it up. Ka-boom!
- MUPPET: Boring.
- To the costume designers.
- To the prop makers.
- MISS PIGGY: Kermie, Kermie.
Speeches are not
necessary, dear. Roll film.
Yeah, but I'd like to thank everybody for
all of their hard work and their patience
- and their...
- Roll film! Roll film!
Roll film.
(SHUSHING)
Excuse me.
Uncle Kermit, is this about how
the Muppets really got started?
Well, it's sort of
approximately how it happened.
KERMIT: (SINGING) Why are there
so many songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions
But only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told
And some choose to believe it
I know they're wrong, wait and see
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me
Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
Look what it's done so far
What's so amazing
That keeps us stargazing?
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me
All of us under its spell
We know that it's probably magic
Have you been half asleep?
And have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name
Is this the sweet sound
That calls the young sailors?
The voice might be one and the same
I've heard it too many
times to ignore it
It's something that
I'm supposed to be
Someday we'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me
(VOCALIZING)
MAN: Help! Hello.
This is a serious call for help.
- Yeah?
- Someone help.
Ah, I... Oh, oh.
You, you with the banjo.
Can you help me? I have
lost my sense of direction.
Have you tried Hare Krishna?
Ha, ha. No.
- No. I mean I'm really lost.
- (FLY BUZZING)
One second.
Darn, I missed. You know, that's
the first thing to go on a frog.
His tongue. The tongue goes
and you can't catch flies.
That's rough. I'm sorry
about your tongue,
but I have to get out of this
swamp. I have to catch a plane.
With that tongue? No way.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
But seriously, there's a
boat dock just downstream.
- Thank you.
- Just watch out for the alligators.
I will.
- Alligators?
- That's right.
Did you say alligators?
Read my lips, alligators.
It's just that I'm not used to
alligators where I come from.
See, I'm an agent. I...
I winged in from Hollywood.
- Hollywood?
- That's right.
Did you say Hollywood?
Read my lips,
Hollywood. You know...
Hollywood
The dream factory, the magic store.
Hey, don't you ever
go to the movies?
Oh, sure. There's a double
feature in town every Saturday.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
- Wait a minute.
- What?
- Wait a minute.
- What?
There's an ad in here that you
should be very interested in.
- Feast your eyes on that.
- Uh...
"World Wide Studios announces
open auditions for frogs
"wishing to become
rich and famous."
Well, thanks anyway, but I'm
really pretty happy where I am.
Oh, oh, if I were you,
I would give this audition
very careful consideration.
You've got talent, kid.
Singin', tellin' jokes.
I mean, if you get your
tongue fixed, who knows?
You could make millions
of people happy.
- Millions of people happy?
- Millions.
Hey, if you ever come west
to Hollywood, look me up.
Bernie the Agent.
Hey, well, listen, Bernie, why don't
you say hello to Arnie the Alligator?
- What?
- Arnie.
(SCREAMING)
Arnie, wait a minute.
Careful, Arnie.
Stay! Stay!
Arnie, that's okay.
Leave him alone.
It's all right,
he's from Hollywood.
Hollywood. Gee.
I...
I'd miss this old swamp, but...
Millions of people happy.
(PLAYS NOTE)
What the...
MAN: Okay, okay, you guys.
Now, come on. Do what I tell you.
I don't know where you're...
All right, now...
Don't step on that asphalt!
I told you not to step on it. We
gotta get this... Off the asphalt!
I told you, stay off the asphalt!
Hey, look at him.
Oh, big legs.
MAN: Hey, you on the bike!
Watch out! Watch out!
- Watch out!
- Oh, my... Ah!
Watch out!
Oh!
Hmm.
That's pretty dangerous, building a
road in the middle of the street.
I mean, if frogs couldn't hop,
I'd be gone with the Schwinn.
KERMIT: The El Sleezo Cafe.
Hmm.
Foreign food.
Doesn't smell promising,
but a frog's gotta eat.
(CAFE PATRONS ARGUING)
(GASPS)
KERMIT: Wow.
Rough place, huh?
That's the toughest, meanest, filthiest,
pesthole on the face of the Earth.
Well, why not complain
to the owner?
I am the owner.
MAN: Watch out. Hot plates
comin' through. Look out.
All right, you got your
French-fried frog legs on Cotton.
You got your frog legs on Eugenie.
You got your frog legs stroganoff.
- Everybody happy? All right.
- Ugh!
Hello, sailor. Buy me a drink?
Well, you see, I'm not
a sailor, I'm a frog.
Cut the small talk
and buy me a drink.
- But I don't even know you.
- Hey. You makin' a move on my girl?
- No, sir.
- He did, too. He touched me.
Ugh! Go wash. You'll get warts.
- No, you see, that's just a myth.
- Yeah, but she's my "myth."
- No, no. Myth, myth.
- Yeth?
What the hey?
(CLOCK RINGING)
Showtime. Showtime
at the El Sleezo.
PIANIST: And now, filling in for the
vacationing El Sleezo dancing girls,
the funny, furry,
fabulous Fozzie Bear.
Wacka, wacka, wacka, wacka.
Wacka, wacka, wacka, wacka.
Hey, you're a great crowd. Thank
you, thank you and thank you.
- Hey, wacka, wacka.
- (HONKING)
Ah, wacka, wacka, wacka.
Here I am, Fozzie Bear, to tell
you jokes both old and rare.
Wacka, wacka, wacka.
(BOOING)
Ha, ha. Let's start
things off with a bang.
Thank you, sir.
Wacka, wacka, wacka, wacka, wacka.
This guy's lost.
Maybe he should try Hare Krishna.
Grief, it's a running gag.
Uh...
There was this sailor
who was so fat...
How fat was he?
Uh...
He was so fat that everybody liked him and
there was nothing funny about him at all.
(CROWD BOOING)
FOZZIE: No problem.
Oh, wait, please.
Oh, please. Please wait.
I'm trying so hard.
Please don't do that.
I'm a professional. I've
had three performances.
- Cut, cut, please.
- Do you know any dance routines?
What? Not really. Do you?
- Play something snappy.
- You got it.
(PLAYS JAUNTY MUSIC)
- Now dance.
- What?
- Dance.
- Yes, sir.
Ah! Wacka, wacka.
Aha, wacka, wacka.
Ah!
It's too bad the dancing girls are on
vacation. The crowd is getting ugly.
Ha, ha. You think this crowd's ugly,
you should see the dancing girls.
FOZZIE: Two, three, four.
(CROWD SHOUTS)
- Two, three, kick.
- Kick. Yeah, sorry.
Coming home.
FOZZIE: Argh!
Please. I just cleaned
the fur. Please. Oh.
(KERMIT GROANS)
I hope you appreciate that
I'm doing all my own stunts.
Wacka wacka.
Okay, everybody.
Drinks on the house.
(CHEERING)
Drinks on the house!
Man, come on, let's go.
- Drinks on the house.
- Go, go. On the house.
MAN: Drinks on the house.
I don't see no drinks up here.
What's he talkin' about?
The bartender said there
were drinks on the house.
Works every time.
Well... Well, hey, listen.
My name is Kermit the Frog and
I'm on my way to Hollywood.
- Hollywood?
- You wanna join me?
Big-time show biz. That's
always been my dream.
Yeah, well, they're holding
auditions for frogs next week.
And if they need frogs,
they must need bears, too.
Oh.
My car's right outside.
Gee, a Studebaker.
Where did you get it?
- My uncle left it to me.
- Huh? Is he dead?
No, he's hibernating.
You know, Fozzie, you really
do have a lot of talent.
Thank you.
You know, how about you and
me putting together an act?
Oh, no. Sorry.
I only work as a single.
Oh, okay.
All right. You talked me
into it. We'll be a team.
Oh, good.
- What's this?
- Hey, you better pull over here.
Yes, sir.
(BRAKES SCREECH)
- (BANGING)
- FOZZIE: Ah.
Hey, what's going on?
Howdy, Mr. Frog.
- I'm a businessman with a proposition.
- What?
Let me show you somethin' that
might change your whole life.
Huh.
Hop right on over here,
my little green friend.
- Listen, mister.
- That's it.
This is the kind of chance
you can't afford to pass up.
- (GASPS)
- No, now, don't be afraid.
- Watch the window.
- Hm.
- KERMIT: What's that?
- FOZZIE: Ah.
- (KERMIT GASPS)
- Hi, I'm Doc Hopper,
invitin' you to hop on down and get
some Hopper's French-fried frog legs.
Right here at the sign of
the bright green legs.
- Good grief.
- Come on.
Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.
(SINGING) Frog legs,
frog legs, frog legs are fine
Hopper's is the place
you should dine
There's cheese legs
Bacon legs, chili legs too
French-fried frog legs barbecued
Oh, Fozzie. Ugh.
If you want just a snack
Don't worry.
Then here is the one
A frog leg burger on
a bright green bun
(KERMIT WINCES)
That is terrible.
That's the most appalling, disgusting,
revolting thing I've ever seen.
I know. I'm a great businessman
and a sweet fella,
but I do lack the
skills of a performer.
You also make a lousy frog.
You, on the other hand,
make a terrific frog.
- What?
- He's right, you know.
- You are very likable, Kermit.
- The bear's right.
You, my little likable friend, are gonna
do all our television commercials.
- No way.
- Hold it. Now, just a minute.
There's $500 in it
for you up-front.
$500 is just the beginning.
You could be earning
this much every year.
- Let's go, Fozzie.
- $500?
Would you consider a
bear in a frog suit?
- Fozzie.
- Yes, sir. I just lost my head. I...
Now, just a minute, Mr. Frog.
Everything's negotiable.
- FOZZIE: Okay, here we go, here we go.
- (BANGING)
- FOZZIE: Sorry.
- Hey, that's my Caddy!
- Just get it in gear, Fozzie.
- Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
HOPPER: Frog, it's money
we're talking about.
Max!
- Follow that frog.
- (TIRES SQUEAL)
- Max!
- (BRAKES SCREECH)
Follow that frog
with me in the car!
I'm sorry, Doc. I just got excited.
Hey, do you like the frog?
Isn't he terrific, Doc?
Terrific, Max, terrific. Now go!
But you promised me a reward.
Later, Max. Now follow that frog.
- FOZZIE: Oh, it's a gorgeous day.
- KERMIT: Yep, certainly is.
- Yep, terrific day for a drive.
- It's beautiful country out here.
A frog and a bear seeing America.
(SINGING) Movin' right along in
search of good times and good news
With good friends, you can't lose
This could become a habit
Opportunity knocks once
Let's reach out and grab it
- Yeah!
- Together we'll nab it
We'll hitchhike, bus,
or Yellow Cab it
Cab it?
BOTH: Movin' right along
Footloose and fancy-free
Getting there is half the fun
Come share it with me
Movin' right along
KERMIT: We'll learn to share the load
FOZZIE: We don't need a map to keep this show on the road
Hey, Fozzie, I want you to turn left
if you come to a fork in the road.
Yes, sir. Turn left at
the fork in the road.
FOZZIE: Kermit.
KERMIT: I don't believe that.
KERMIT: (SINGING) Movin' right along
We've found a life on the highway
FOZZIE: And your way is my way
KERMIT: So trust my navigation
FOZZIE: California, here we come
Come pie in the sky land
KERMIT: Palm trees and warm sand
Though sadly we just
left Rhode Island
- We did what?
- Just forget it.
BOTH: Movin' right along
Hey, LA, where have you gone?
FOZZIE: Send someone to fetch us
We're in Saskatchewan
BOTH: Movin' right along
You take it, you know best
FOZZIE: Hey, I've never seen
the sun come up in the west
Ah.
A bear in his natural habitat.
A Studebaker.
- Hey, Fozzie, look up ahead.
- What is that?
Maybe we should give him a ride.
I don't know. He's pretty big.
- Hey, there. Want a lift?
- Oh, no, thanks.
I'm on my way to New York City to
try to break into public television.
Ah.
Good luck.
BOTH: (SINGING) Movin' right along
We're truly birds of a feather
We're in this together
And we know where we're goin'
Movie stars with flashy cars
and life with the top down
We're stormin' the big town
Yeah, storm is right.
Should it be snowing?
No, I don't think so.
BOTH: Movin' right along
Footloose and fancy-free
You're ready for the big time
Is it ready for me?
Movin' right along
Movin' right along
Movin' right along
Movin' right along
KERMIT: Hey.
Hey, Fozzie, look up ahead there.
There's one of those
Doc Hopper billboards.
- Maybe you'd better pull over.
- Yes, sir.
Oh, look at that.
Kermit, that's you.
(LAUGHING)
You got the picture, boy?
You see what I mean?
Kermit the Frog, symbol of Doc
Hopper's French-fried frog legs.
Isn't that splendid? Just splendid.
Just take a look at it.
All I can see are millions
of frogs on tiny crutches.
Now, listen, boy. Don't you
wanna be rich and famous?
- Not workin' for you, I don't.
- That's right.
- Crutches?
- Shut up, Max.
We're a small-time operation,
but we're expandin'.
Expandin', just like
you frogs expand.
Don't you frogs expand?
- That's a myth.
- What?
Myth! Myth!
Yeth?
BOTH: Huh?
- Come on, Bear. Burn rubber.
- Yes, sir.
Hey, Frog!
That's the second time!
Max, I've done my best with that frog.
Now's the time to do my worst.
- Open the door.
- No! You open the door.
- What?
- I'm through, Doc. The frog is right.
You're asking him to do something
terrible. I can't be a part of it.
It's a moral decision
and I'll stand by it.
- I'll double your percentage.
- I'll open the door.
FOZZIE: Kermit, where are we?
Well, let's see.
We were just traveling down
this little black line here.
And we just crossed that
little red line over here.
Well, how about...
Let's take the blue line, huh?
- No, we can't take that. That's a river.
- Oh, I knew that.
- Yeah, sure.
- Listen, Kermit, why don't we just go...
- Fozzie. Fozzie.
- Huh. Yeah?
Who's driving?
(BOTH SCREAM)
- KERMIT: Look out! Stop!
- FOZZIE: No problem.
- Okay, back it up.
- Ah, yes, sir.
- Fozzie, where did you learn to drive?
- I took a correspondence course.
This looks like a nice quiet spot.
Uh-huh.
Boy, it feels like we've
been driving for days.
Yeah. Funny, I'm still wide awake.
Yeah, me, too.
(SNORING)
Me, too.
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)
- (BAND PLAYING)
- What? What? What? I'm up, I'm up.
What's that?
They don't look like
Presbyterians to me.
Hey, cool it, everybody.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Our gentle mornin' melodies have
attracted wanderin' admirers.
- Hey, who are you guys?
- We am, is, are and be
they whom as are known
as the Electric Mayhem.
- (LAUGHING)
- For sure.
He's Dr. Teeth.
Golden teeth and golden tones.
Welcome to my presence.
- Thank you.
- Fozzie.
- I'm Floyd, I blow bass.
- And I'm...
I'm...
Zoot. Sax is your ax.
Uh-oh. Zoot's skipped
a groove again.
Wow, like, I'm Janice.
I'm lead guitar, for surely.
(ROARS)
Oh, yeah. That's Animal.
Show 'em what you do, Animal.
I want to eat drums.
No, no. Beat drums, beat drums.
Beat drums. Beat drums.
- Down, Animal. Back. Sit.
- Down. Back. Sit.
MUPPET: Hey, don't forget about me.
I'm Scooter, the
band's road manager.
Oh, yeah. The road manager. We
couldn't go anywhere without him.
- He's the man with the contacts?
- No, he's the man with the van.
Yeah, we're takin' this old church
and turnin' it into a coffeehouse.
Yeah, with real good music
and organic refreshments.
It'll be so fine and laid-back
and mellow and profitable.
ANIMAL: Profitable.
Yeah, but what brings
you dudes here?
Listen, see, Kermit here,
he was living in the swamp...
- Fozzie.
- ...and then a fisherman came along.
Fozzie, you can't tell
'em the whole story.
You'll bore the audience.
Oh, sorry.
But, Kermit, the band
here wants to know.
Well, let 'em read the screenplay.
Ah! Yes, sir.
Uh...
You see, it starts
here on page one.
The Muppet Movie, huh?
Hmm. Let's see.
"Exterior. Swamp. Day.
In a long helicopter shot,
"we discover Kermit the Frog
playin' his banjo and singin'.
"A Hollywood agent starts
the frog travelin' west.
"Doc Hopper comes on strong
and they get to this church.
"Interior. Church. Day.
"Fozzie. 'They don't look
like Presbyterians to me.'
"Kermit and Fozzie come
walkin' down the aisle
"to the thunderously loud music of
Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem."
- Which am us.
- For sure, for sure.
This is a narrative of very
heavy-duty proportions.
Yeah. Cosmic, man.
We gotta keep his little froggy
self away from this Hopper dude.
Too true, too true.
It is indeed a problem for
us to probosculate upon.
But it seems to me that the frog and the
bear are temporarily out of service.
(BOTH SNORING)
Oh, wow, like, what can
we do to help them?
- Well, if this were the movies...
- Which it is.
we'd think of a clever plot device.
Like disguising their car so
they won't be recognized.
Right. Two, three, four.
Oh, yeah!
Whoo!
All right.
(SINGING) Everybody's
lover, everybody's brother
I wanna be your lifetime friend
Crazy as a rocket,
nothin' in my pocket
I'll keep it at the rainbow's end
I never think of money
I think of milk and honey
Grinnin' like a Cheshire cat
I focus on the pleasure
Somethin' I can treasure
Can you picture that?
Can you picture that?
Oh, yeah.
Hey, Floyd. Take a verse.
(SINGING) Let me take your picture
Add it to the mixture
There it is, I got you now
Really nothin' to it,
anyone can do it
It's easy and we all know how
Now begins the changin'
Mental rearrangin'
Nothin's really where it's at
Now the Eiffel Tower's
holdin' up a flower
I gave it to a Texas cat
Fact is there's nothin'
out there you can't do
Yeah, even Santa Claus
believes in you
Beat down the walls
Begin, believe, begat
Be a better drummer
Be an up-and-comer
Can you picture that?
Can you picture that?
Only what you got
All of us are winnin'
Pickin' and a-grinnin'
Lordy, but I love to jam
Jelly-belly gigglin'
Dancin' and a-wigglin'
Honey, that's the way I am
I lost my heart in Texas
Northern lights affects us
I keep it underneath my hat
Aurora Borealis
Shinin' down on Dallas
Can you picture that?
Can you picture that?
Can you picture?
You gotta see it in your mind
Can you picture?
You know it's quick
and easy to find
Can you picture?
You don't have to buy a frame
Can you picture?
Can you picture that?
Can you picture that?
- Use it if you need it
- Don't forget to feed it
Can you picture that?
FLOYD: Great job.
Doc Hopper will never
recognize you now.
- I don't know how to thank you guys.
- I don't know why to thank you guys.
Our pleasure, green stuff.
Are you sure you won't
come with us to Hollywood?
Can't, baby, but when you
get rich and famous,
maybe we'll show up and
exploit your wealth.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Movin' right along, Fozzie.
ANIMAL: Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
(CHANTING) Hollywood! Hollywood!
Hollywood!
Hollywood! Hollywood! Hollywood!
HOPPER: Remember, this
frog does everything.
He talks, he sings, he dances.
He tells jokes. He
even rides a bicycle.
Max, find me a frog and a
bear in a tan Studebaker.
Gee, Doc. All I can see
is a frog and a bear in a
rainbow-colored Studebaker.
What?
What?
- Fozzie, they're right behind us.
- I know, I know.
- Well, how did they recognize us?
- They recognized you.
- What do you mean?
- There's a hundred bears around.
I'm gaining on 'em, Doc.
I'm gaining on 'em.
- Can't you drive any faster?
- No, sir.
There's a sign up ahead there.
Pull in front of that.
- Move. Now duck.
- What?
- Get down, Fozzie.
- Yes, sir.
Aha!
(CLUCKING)
- GONZO: Oh, yeah?
- (CLUCKING)
GONZO: Uh-huh. Yeah.
Oh, I tell you, Camilla, great
plumbers are born, not made.
I'm a prince of
plunger, fair maiden.
(CLUCKS)
GONZO: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll do
that. But first, wait till we get there.
Fozzie, look at that
funny little truck.
Yeah, it's cute, huh?
- No, it's coming straight at us.
- (CLUCKS)
(ALL SCREAM)
KERMIT: We're gonna hit.
We missed it.
Oh, you call that a miss?
GONZO: Well, I'm getting in your car.
FOZZIE: Oh, boy.
You guys okay?
Why are you hopping up and down?
Because I'm hopping mad.
Guy's got a sense of humor.
- Hey, why don't you join us?
- Where are you going?
- We're following our dream.
- Really? I have a dream, too.
- KERMIT AND FOZZIE: Huh?
- But you'll think it's stupid.
- KERMIT: No, I won't.
- FOZZIE: Tell us, tell us.
Well, I wanna go to Bombay,
India and become a movie star.
CAMILLA: Ah.
You don't go to Bombay
to become a movie star.
You go where we're
going, Hollywood.
Sure, if you wanna
do it the easy way.
We picked up a weirdo.
KERMIT: Hey, look up ahead.
There's Mad Man Mooney's.
- FOZZIE: What's that?
- KERMIT: It's a used-car lot.
I think we can trade in both these
old cars and get one big one.
FOZZIE: Wait. Trade in my uncle's Studebaker?
KERMIT: Sure.
FOZZIE: Oh, when he wakes up, he'll kill me.
KERMIT: You're swinging this turn very wide, Fozzie.
FOZZIE: Well, hold it, will you?
Just... Here we go. Up the bump.
KERMIT: There we go. Hold on. All right.
Pull up ahead there.
- FOZZIE: Look at these cars.
- GONZO: Kermit, Kermit, Kermit.
- Are you gonna sell my plunger, too?
- There's all kinds of great cars.
FOZZIE: No, he's not gonna sell your plunger.
KERMIT: Look at 'em up there. Pull it up a little further here, Fozzie.
FOZZIE: Where should I stop?
- How should I stop?
- KERMIT: A little bit farther.
- GONZO: Easy, easy.
- FOZZIE: Okay. Here?
(ALL SCREAMING)
- KERMIT: Everybody out of the car.
- FOZZIE: Okay. Chickens first.
Oh, my dear friends. Welcome to
Mad Man Mooney's hubcap heaven.
Today... Today is your lucky day.
- It is?
- Yes, it is. You, for example...
- You're driving the wrong car.
- I am?
I can put you in this German
street machine for only $2,000,
less a $12 trade-in
on your old vehicle.
Now, this... This car is
one of the greatest...
Detachable fenders
for narrow garages.
No, thanks.
Hey, what is this pile of...
Jack, get rid of this heap.
Come out here!
- What? What?
- What's the matter with you?
- That's my jack.
- Oh, hi, Jack.
Jack not name. Jack job.
How many times have I told you
not to talk to the customers?
- Gee, I know, but...
- Just move this.
Move it. You understand?
(HUMS)
FOZZIE: Wow. Ah!
But seriously, friends,
Mad Man Mooney doesn't believe in
all that dealing and wheeling.
No, the price on the sticker
is the price you pay.
- And never more and never less.
- (FLY BUZZING)
Ha.
We'll take that one for $11.95.
What?
Less our $12 trade-in.
You owe us a nickel.
Oh, thank you very much. Hey,
we're all going to Hollywood.
- Do you wanna come with us?
- Hollywood?
That's strange, he just ran away.
Well, movin' right along, Fozzie.
- Yes, sir.
- (CLUCKING)
(FOZZIE HUMMING)
KERMIT: Hey, watch where you're going now, Fozzie.
FOZZIE: Yes, sir.
Hey!
Hey, where are you goin'?
Hey! Wait for me.
I wanna go to Hollywood.
Hey, wait for me!
Come on, guys. Wait! Please!
I wanna go to Hollywood.
(FAIRGROUND MUSIC PLAYING)
Testing, one, two, three.
Testing. Can you hear me?
Well, it's time to announce
the winner of this year's
Bogen County beauty pageant.
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
MAN: We sure grow 'em purdy
around here, don't we?
All right. Here they are.
- MAN: The first runner-up...
- What's over there, Kermit?
- MAN: Here is Debbie-Sue Anderson.
- Over there. See?
Ah! Nice-looking girls, huh?
- Wow. Nice-looking chickens.
- What?
- Oh, no hard feelings, honey.
- MAN: Before announcing the winner,
I think we should thank the
judges of today's contest,
Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy.
You're not gonna believe
who the winner is, folks.
- Come, now, Charlie. It's their movie.
- So it is. So it is.
And here she is, folks. This
year's Miss Bogen County...
Miss Piggy!
Oh. Oh.
Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Thank you.
Wow, it's a pig. Did you see that?
Thank you, everyone. Thank you.
Oh. Oh, Debbie-Sue.
Oh, Elma-Jane.
Thank you. Thank you.
Ohh.
Thank you. Oh, oh, thank you.
Oh, kissy-kissy. Kissy-kissy.
Oh, thank you. Oh.
- Kermit, you know...
- Not... Not right now, Fozzie.
I just want to say one thing.
This is the happiest
moment of my...
(SINGING) Never before
Have two souls joined so freely
And so fast
For me this is the first time
And the last
Is this an angel's wish
For men?
Never before
And never again
And where to find the words
To sing its worth
This love was bound for heaven
Not for Earth
This love was meant
To light the stars
But when we touched
We made it ours
And could they take it back?
Oh, no, they wouldn't dare
Why should they take it back
When there's enough
To share with all the world
And fill the heavens above
With leftover love?
Never before
A love that keeps on growing
On and on
To fill each lover's heart
And light the dawn
Is this an angel's wish
For men?
Never before
And never again
Never before
And never again
(WEDDING BELLS CHIME)
- Oh, oh.
- Thanks. Excuse me.
- Oh, yes. Of course.
- Yeah.
Listen, congratulations on
winning the beauty contest.
Thank you. Of course, normally,
I don't do anything so trivial.
- I am an actress-model.
- Oh, is that right?
Well... I... I'm gonna
be a performer, too.
Oh.
Hey, Kermit. Who's the
cute-lookin' pig?
I beg your pardon.
If you were a chicken,
you'd be impeccable.
Gonzo.
Hey, I thought we were gonna
go get some ice cream.
Oh, well, in a minute.
I'll join you.
Um...
Well...
What are you doing in town,
short, green and handsome?
Well... We're headed west.
- Really?
- Yeah, but...
You know, I really should join
my friends for ice cream.
Oh.
You... You wanna come along?
Me? You mean it? Oh.
I'll be right back. Oh, oh.
Don't move.
Hmm.
Hello. I'd like an ice cream.
What do you want? Chocolate, vanilla,
coffee, peach fudge, rum, banana?
- Honey.
- Honey?
I beg your pardon.
I hardly know you.
Ah.
But seriously, I'd like a
honey ice cream cone for me.
And a dragonfly ripple
for my friend, the frog.
Okay. One honey cone for the bear.
- And one dragonfly ripple for the frog.
- Ugh!
- Don't get 'em mixed up.
- Gotcha.
(CLUCKING)
(CAMILLA CLUCKS)
All right, all right, Camilla.
I'll get you a balloon, but
you have to pick the color.
Red or green?
- Can I give you a word of advice?
- GONZO: What?
Why not take both?
(GASPS)
What a wild idea.
Yeah. A beautiful chicken like
that deserves two balloons.
- You're right.
- I have guys come in all the time.
Sometimes they get a bunch
of balloons for their girls.
- They go gaga for it.
- Gaga? I'll take the whole bunch.
Gaga. Gaga. Aw.
Gonzo?
Wonder...
Where they went? Fozzie?
FOZZIE: Kermit. Kermit.
Hey, Kermit. Hey.
Where's your pig friend?
Well, I'm not really sure. She said
she was coming for ice cream, but...
Yoo-hoo. Yoo-hoo.
Here I am. Here I am.
- I'm packed. I'm packed.
- Yeah, so I see.
What for?
You said I could come with you.
Yeah, but... To buy ice
cream, not to Hollywood.
- We're going to Hollywood?
- No. I mean, listen...
When I... When I said...
I mean, well, when you heard...
Oh, brother.
GONZO: Oh! Oh!
(CLUCKING)
What? Gonzo?
(GONZO SCREAMS)
- KERMIT: Gonzo! What are you doing?
- MISS PIGGY: What?
About seven knots.
- We'll follow you. To the car.
- Yes, sir.
KERMIT: Gonzo, we're coming!
- KERMIT: Step on it, Fozzie!
- FOZZIE: Yes, sir.
MISS PIGGY: Oh, Kermit. You're a born leader.
KERMIT: Now, where is he?
(SIGHS) Isn't this great?
Here I am floating in space.
This is the place to be.
Whoopee!
- Fozzie.
- Yes.
- Bear left.
- What?
- Bear left.
- Right, Frog.
- What? That's cute.
- Never mind.
This is... Look at our
little car down there.
Oh, this is like flying.
Hey, this is flying.
I'm flying! Whoopee!
Doc, isn't that a frog up there?
No, that's a frog down here.
KERMIT: He's caught in a crosswind,
Fozzie. We're gonna lose him.
FOZZIE: Oh, no.
- Oh, what are you doin', Doc?
- I'm goin' after the tires.
KERMIT: We're okay now. The Wind's shifted.
- Wait a minute. Stay with him, Fozzie.
- FOZZIE: Yeah.
- He's right above us.
- GONZO: Whoo-hoo!
- He's okay.
- Yeah. Hi, Gonzo.
- Fozzie, come back in here.
- What?
- Come back in here.
- Yes, sir.
Oh!
KERMIT: Why don't you stay on the road?
Kermit!
KERMIT: Look out for the billboard.
MAX: No!
(GUNSHOT)
- Take off, Fozzie.
- Yes, sir.
Come back, you!
No frog's gonna make
a monkey out of me!
I'm back.
I don't understand any of this.
(SCREAMING)
I just gotta catch
up with those guys.
MISS PIGGY: Kermit, you were so courageous.
So magnificent.
- Gee, I don't know what to say.
- Say the bear was magnificent.
After all, I did the driving.
And I took a 100-foot belly
flop onto a moving car.
Yes, but Kermit assumed the awesome
responsibility of command.
- Gee.
- Oh, brother.
Um...
Why don't we stop
somewhere for the night
and have a quiet little dinner...
For two?
Terrific! I'll eat
with you, Miss Piggy.
Not you, buzzard beak.
Just mon capitaine
and moi.
Well... That... That might be nice.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh. Wow.
Good evening, Miss Piggy.
You look lovely tonight.
Thank you.
I'm so sorry if I kept you waiting.
Oh, it... It was worth it.
How charming of vous.
I... I took the liberty
of ordering us some wine.
Mmm.
Oh, waiter.
Yes?
May I help you?
The... The wine, please.
Mmm.
You mad, impetuous
thing. It's champagne.
Not exactly. Sparkling muscatel.
One of the finest wines of Idaho.
Well, you may serve us now, please.
Oh, may I?
- Look how he does that.
- Yep.
- Very suave.
- Mmm.
Don't you want to
smell the bottle cap?
Oh.
- Mmm-hmm. Smells good.
- Mmm. Yes.
- Would you like to taste it first?
- Well...
I think he's supposed to.
Would you taste it for us, please?
Ugh!
- Excellent choice.
- Should be for 95 cents.
Hmm.
- And may we have straws, please?
- Yes. I expected that.
Thank you. That'll be all for now.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
- Here's to you, Miss Piggy.
- Oh.
Drink up.
(SLURPING)
Oh.
Makes me giggly.
The wine?
Everything.
It's a beautiful evening, isn't it?
Mmm-hmm.
The moon is just lovely.
Mmm-hmm.
You know, Miss Piggy, the
moon doesn't look like you.
(WHIMPERS)
- WAITER: Miss Piggy.
- Hmm.
Miss Piggy.
- Are you Miss Piggy?
- Yes.
- Telephone.
- Oh.
Uh... Oh...
Kermie, I did place one
phone call to my agent.
It'll only be an
eensy-teensy moment.
What the hey?
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
(SLOW BLUES PLAYING)
Evenin'. Rowlf, Rowlf the Dog.
Sit yourself down.
- Kermit, Kermit the Frog.
- Pleased to meet you.
I'm no Heifetz, but I get by.
That was... That was very nice.
- (SNIFFS)
- Oh.
A broken heart, right?
- Does it show?
- Listen.
When you've been ticklin' the
ivories as long as I have,
you've seen a broken heart
for every drop of rain,
a shattered dream for
every fallen star.
Exactly. She just walked out on me.
Yeah? Typical. That's
why I live alone.
- You do, huh?
- You bet.
I finish work, I go
home, read a book,
have a couple of beers, take
myself for a walk and go to bed.
Nice and simple.
Stay away from women,
that's my motto.
- But I can't.
- Neither can I. That's my trouble.
(SINGING) You can't live with 'em
You can't live without 'em
There's somethin'
irresistible-ish about 'em
We grin and bear it 'cause
the nights are long
I hope that somethin'
better comes along
I see what you mean.
It's no good complainin'
And pointless to holler
If she's a beauty
She'll get under your collar
She made a monkey out
of old King Kong
I hope that somethin'
better comes along
Still, it's fun when
they're fetchin'
And agree to see an etching
that you keep at your lily pad
There is no solution
It's part of evolution
The pitter-patter of souls
The little feet of tadpoles
Rowlf, tadpoles don't have feet.
Oh, sorry about that.
Two, three, four.
There's no limitation
to mixin' and matchin'
Some get an itchin' for a
critter they've been scratchin'
A skunk was badgered
The results were strong
I hope that somethin' better
I hope that somethin' better
I hope that somethin'
better comes along
(SCATTING)
WAITER: Phone call for Kermit the Frog.
- Are you Kermit the Frog?
- Yeah.
Phone.
Huh.
It's not often you see a guy that
green have the blues that bad.
- Hello.
- Kermie, please...
- Piggy, is that you?
- HOPPER: Yes, that's her.
And this is Doc Hopper. You listen,
Frog. And listen good.
Step outside the motel right now.
My guys will meet you there.
Well... What if I don't?
Then your girlfriend will
be ham-hocked by breakfast.
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
Kermie. Don't, don't, don't, don't.
(LAUGHS)
Uh, uh...
Are you the guys I'm
supposed to meet?
That's good, Glen. That's good.
That's nice and tight.
- The Professor's here, Doc.
- Show him in. Show him in.
Kermie, I'm not a bit worried.
I know you're planning
something bold and clever.
Well, I got us this far, didn't I?
(LAUGHS)
- How are you?
- Ah, Professor Krassman.
It's good to see you, Doc,
you little rustic devil, you.
Where's my victim?
I mean, patient?
Step this way, Professor. Let me
introduce you to your patient.
Professor Krassman is the world's
leadin' authority on
mind control in frogs.
It's a very rapidly growing field.
You like garlic, don't you?
Tell us what you're gonna
do to our little Kermit.
Well, we're going to perform
an electronic cerebrectomy.
- Hmm?
- A what?
- (GASPS)
- Electronic cerebrectomy.
What's that?
It's something so sensational that
you'll have to hold on to your hat.
Yes?
When a German scientist says,
"Hold on to your hat,"
it's not casual conversation.
Hold on to your hat!
Hat! Hold! Good.
Now, what we're going to do is bring
out a machine that's going to wow you.
Bertram! Bertram, you...
Bring out the machine!
Wait till you see this. You think
we're sleeping in Dusseldorf?
You think we're taking
a nap in Cologne?
No, we're working at night. Each
night a new dial, a new knob...
Electronic...
Cerebrectomy, cerebrectomy.
Electronic cerebrectomy.
- What does it do?
- What does it do? What does it do?
It turns the brains into guacamole.
(ALL LAUGHING)
First of all, I'll pull
out of this, okay?
Wonderful.
(GRUNTS)
(SIGHS)
Second?
Halt! Argh!
I detest the surfeit of
provincial laughter.
Now, we take your friend,
the little F-O-R-G,
put him in the chair,
clamp on the terminals,
drop the electronic yarmulke,
and throw, what we call
in German, the switch.
(LAUGHING)
Yes, you little green devil. Soon it'll
be a hot time for the old skull tonight.
Thank you, Herr Machine.
Now, the frog will do your bidding. He
will do your every whim, your every wish.
He will do your television
commercial, yes.
He will sell your frogs' legs.
- Zaparoonie.
- Head full of jelly.
- A noggin full of library paste.
- Let's fry them brains!
Professor Krassman,
you've got a fun job.
I love it, I love it.
If I can inflict a little pain during
the afternoon, I sleep good at night.
- Well, we'll let you get on with it, then.
- My pleasure.
Max.
I'll be back later to pick
up what's left of the frog.
What's left of the frog?
You can have everything,
excuse the brain.
All right. Bring over the frog.
Oh, Kermie.
Whatever happens next,
I wouldn't give up this evening
together for anything.
- Would you?
- Make me an offer.
Oh, Kermie.
- Hey.
- Okay.
I got him. I got him.
Good, good, good, good, good.
And why don't we take
a little seat, Kermit?
Hands down.
- Get the feet into place.
- (WHIMPERING)
Will you stop whimpering? Go out
like a frog, not a little toad.
Okay, Herr Machine.
This is big time here.
Ready to go to work? Hand clamps!
Foot clamps!
(LAUGHS EVILLY)
You can struggle all
you want now, frog.
It'll do you very little good.
All right. And now it's time
to drop the electronic beanie.
Soon, there'll be enough voltage
coursing through your little frog brain
to light up Cincinnati.
Oh, please, please.
Not my frog. Please!
- Say goodbye to the frog, pig.
- Why should I?
Because in 10 seconds, he won't
know you from kosher bacon.
That does it!
Hi-yah!
Hi! Hi!
Hi-yah!
Hii-yah!
Hii-yah!
Hii-yah! Hi! Hi!
Hii-yah!
Hi-yah!
What the heck's goin' on here?
A pig that goes bananas?
What is this? A luau?
- MAN: Where'd she go?
- MISS PIGGY: Oh, boys.
- There she is.
- Get her!
I must reach the switch. I must...
- Switch. I must reach...
- Oh, no.
Hi-yah!
- Now, Kermie.
- Oh, thank you.
(SCREAMS)
Ribbit, ribbit, ribbit.
Well...
Shall we go now, Kermie?
(PHONE RINGING)
Well...
Just a second.
Hello.
- Piggy, it's your agent.
- Ooh.
Thank you.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(LOW VOICE)
Yeah, Morty, what have you got?
Commercial?
How much? Mmm-hmm.
When?
Take it.
(NORMAL VOICE) Um.
Goodbye.
(SAD MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC WINDS DOWN)
- FOZZIE: What's going on?
- Hey, what happened?
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
Irritated!
Irritated!
Don't worry, Animal. Your
big scene is coming up.
Yeah, yeah. Just be cool
and eat another seat cushion.
Seat cushion!
Well, how do you like the film?
I've seen detergents that
leave a better film than this.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Well, I don't care what
anybody else says.
I'm having a great time.
Oh, good.
Der flim is okey-dokey.
- Good. Roll film.
- Film is rolling.
- GONZO: Quiet.
- FOZZIE: Quiet.
FOZZIE: Quiet, Gonzo.
- This is the patriotic part.
- Should we stand up?
No.
FOZZIE: O beautiful for spacious skies
For amber waves of grain
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plains
America, America
God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea
Patriotism swells in the
heart of the American bear.
Hold it, boys. Hold it!
Hold your fire!
Boys, no reflection on
the job you've been doin',
but I decided to bring
in a specialist.
Now, boys, this is Snake Walker.
Tell 'em what you do, Snake.
Kill frogs.
FOZZIE: How long is it to Hollywood?
KERMIT: We gotta be there by tomorrow.
GONZO: Hey, Kermit. Are you gonna
get an agent like that pig had?
FOZZIE: Gonzo, you know
he's touchy about that.
- ROWLF: Hey, who's that?
- KERMIT: I don't believe that.
- KERMIT: Piggy?
- FOZZIE: Kermit.
Kermit.
- That's Piggy.
- Yeah, I know.
ROWLF: Hey, do you think we
should help her with her bag?
- ALL: No.
- Kermie.
(MISS PIGGY GRUNTS)
Kermie, what an
unbelievable coincidence.
FOZZIE: Hmm.
Hello again. It's me.
Would you hold my
vanity case? Hi-yah!
- Well.
- Well, what?
So much has happened to
me since I saw you last.
- Yeah, sure.
- Frankly, Miss Piggy, I don't give a hoot.
My name is Rowlf the Dog and I was
playing the piano... Oh, never mind.
- Kermie.
- Yeah?
- I missed you.
- Yeah.
Don't I get one kissy-kissy?
Uh, no, I... I don't
think so, Miss Piggy.
Just one little hug.
FOZZIE: Hmmm.
- Oh, Piggy.
- Kermie.
HOPPER: (ON RADIO) You've been
listenin' to music to hug frogs by.
And this is Doc Hopper sayin' that
if Kermit the Frog don't
stop right now and call me,
and agree to be my national spokesman,
he will soon be a frog burger.
Kermie. Ah!
We'll be okay.
Mon capitaine.
(ENGINE SPLUTTERS)
- FOZZIE: Oh, boy. Yeah, what?
- KERMIT: Fozzie?
FOZZIE: No problem. It's okay, it's okay.
No problem. Okay, all right.
- Listen...
- KERMIT: Oh, boy.
FOZZIE: Oh, we're in trouble.
I wish I still had my Studebaker.
ROWLF: Probably somethin' broken about the engine, I think.
GONZO: Hey, don't worry.
Someone's bound to come along.
Well, I guess we
blew it, huh, Gonzo?
Yeah.
But the sky sure is
beautiful out here.
Look at that.
We...
We're gonna miss the
auditions tomorrow, right?
Kermit?
GONZO: Boy, you could get lost in a sky like that.
I wish I had those balloons again.
So much for Hollywood.
Listen, gang. I never
promised we'd make it.
I never promised anything.
(PLAYING HARMONICA)
(SINGING) This looks familiar
Vaguely familiar
Almost unreal, yet
It's too soon to feel yet
Close to my soul
And yet so far away
I'm going to go back there someday
Sun rises, night falls
Sometimes the sky calls
Is that a song there?
And do I belong there?
I've never been there
But I know the way
I'm going to go back there someday
Come and go with me
It's more fun to share
We'll both be completely
At home in midair
We're flyin', not walking
On featherless wings
We can hold on to love
Like invisible strings
There's not a word yet
For old friends who've just met
Part heaven, part space
Or have I found my place?
You can just visit
But I plan to stay
I'm going to go back there
Someday
I'm going to go back there
Someday
I didn't promise anybody anything.
What do I know about
Hollywood anyway?
Just the dreams I got from sitting
through too many double features.
KERMIT'S VOICE: So, why did you
leave the swamp in the first place?
'Cause some agent fella
said I had talent.
He probably says that to everybody.
On the other hand, if you
hadn't left the swamp,
you'd be feeling pretty
miserable anyhow.
Yeah, but then it would just
be me feeling miserable.
Now I got a lady pig and a bear,
and a chicken, a dog,
a thing, whatever Gonzo is.
He's a little like a turkey.
Yeah. A little like a
turkey, but not much.
No, I guess not.
Anyhow, I brought 'em all out
here into the middle of nowhere.
It's all my fault.
Still, whether you promised
them something or not,
you gotta remember
they wanted to come.
But that's because
they believed in me.
No, they believed in the dream.
- Well, so do I, but...
- You do?
Yeah. Of course I do.
- Well, then?
- Well, then...
I guess I was wrong when I
said I never promised anyone.
I promised me.
(HARMONICA PLAYING)
Hey. Now, wait a minute.
(ELECTRIC MAYHEM PLAYING)
Hey, what... What's happening?
At the moment,
we're what's happening.
Oh, great. Wonderful. Yeah.
Zoot, hey, Zoot.
Hold it, hold it.
Animal, cool it back there.
Yeah.
All right, yeah.
Hey, listen, it's wonderful
to see you guys,
but how did you ever find us?
Oh, easy. We just read the
screenplay you left us.
"Exterior. Desert. Night."
We knew right where you were.
Like, can you get behind it?
Hey, listen. When do you dudes
have to be at that audition?
2:00 tomorrow afternoon.
Well, climb aboard the bus. We'll
have breakfast at Hollywood and Vine.
(CHEERING)
ALL: Movin' right along
FLOYD: Oh, yeah.
DR. TEETH: Here we go.
Movin' right along
Kermie, whisper sweet
nothings into my ear.
Motorcycle cop.
Motorcycle cop is a sweet nothing?
A motorcycle cop is chasing us.
(SIREN BLARING)
- Hey, Dr. Teeth, you better pull over.
- Hey, easier done than said.
FLOYD: Uh-Oh.
JANICE: Drag city.
What do we do now, huh?
Oh, dear.
DR. TEETH: Hey, hey. The man with the badge.
The police, the cops,
the fuzz, the P.I...
- Don't you dare!
- I wouldn't think of it.
Did we do something wrong, Officer?
(SHOCKED GASPS)
- Kermit, it's him.
- Okay, gang. Let him explain.
This whole disguise is
only so I could warn you.
Oh, yeah. Sure, sure.
I never thought that Doc
was gonna hurt Kermit.
I only thought he was gonna
lean on him a little.
But now he's got this frog
killer in from the coast,
and the man is deadly.
FOZZIE: Oh, no, Kermit.
What are we gonna do?
- It's time to beat feet, green stuff.
- FOZZIE: Let's get out of here, Kermit.
I love it. Chase music is
one of our best riffs.
Hold it, Dr. Teeth.
What's up ahead?
- It's only an old ghost town.
- Fine.
Listen, you go back and tell Doc
Hopper I'll be waiting for him there.
- What?
- What?
- Kermit, you'll get killed.
- Oh, please, no.
- FOZZIE: Kermit, you can't do that.
- Now, listen, guys.
Listen, I can't spend my whole
life running away from a bully.
It's time for a showdown.
Showdown! Showdown!
Uh, hey, listen, I'm
gonna check things out.
- Everybody stay in the bus, okay?
- Mmm-hmm.
(ROARS)
Hey, Kermit. Can I take
Animal for a walk?
He needs some exercise.
Yeah, yeah, sure.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
What is that?
That's one of my latest inventions.
A musical rotating rain barrel.
Oh, oh, yeah.
You see, I'm Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
and this is my assistant, Beaker.
(MEEPS)
We live here perfecting
useful inventions.
- Come in, come in.
- (MEEPING)
BUNSEN: Welcome to our laboratory.
Please don't touch anything.
Uh...
- Is this the only street into town?
- Yes, yes.
Hey, what are you
dudes doin' in here?
I'm so glad you asked. We're
perfecting our latest invention.
Insta-Grow pills.
Yeah, well, what in the name
of Fats Waller is that?
A 4-foot prune.
A 4-foot prune?
Yeah, man, well, what else
do these pills make big?
Oh, they work on anything, but
the effect is sadly temporary.
Sadly temporary. (SIGHS)
(MEEPS)
Oh, no!
SCOOTER: Hey, Kermit. Here comes Doc Hopper.
I know. I'll be ready for him.
Okay, Frog. Where are you?
KERMIT: I'm here. I'll meet you in the middle of the street.
Oh, yeah?
KERMIT: Man to frog.
(CHIMES)
- KERMIT: All right, Hopper.
- All right, Frog.
One last chance.
You gonna do my TV
commercials live or stuffed?
(GUNS COCKING)
Hopper, what's the matter with you?
You gotta be crazy, chasin' me
halfway across the country.
Why are you doing this to me?
'Cause all my life, I wanted to own
a thousand frog leg restaurants,
and you're the key, greenie.
Yeah, well, I've got a dream, too.
But it's about singing and
dancing and making people happy.
That's the kind of dream that gets better
the more people you share it with.
And, well, I've found a whole bunch
of friends who have the same dream.
And...
And it kind of makes
us like a family.
Do you have anybody
like that, Hopper?
I mean, once you get
all those restaurants,
who are you gonna share it with?
Who are your friends,
Doc? Those guys?
Max.
I got lots of friends.
Max, for instance.
- Max.
- I don't think you're a bad man, Doc.
And I think if you
look in your heart,
you'll find you really wanna let me and
my friends go to follow our dreams.
But if that's not the
kind of man you are,
or what I'm saying doesn't
make any sense to you,
well, then, go ahead and kill me.
All right, boys.
Kill him.
No, wait, please.
(RUMBLING)
(CRASHING)
Animal!
(ROARS)
Ha! Ha, ha, ha!
(ANIMAL ROARS)
Everybody, on to Hollywood.
ALL: Yay!
GONZO: Wow! Wicked!
DR. TEETH: Yeah, next stop is Hollywood and Vine.
FOZZIE: Look at the ocean. The ocean.
Yes, Mr. Lord. I'll have those
deal numbers for you in a jiffy.
- (PHONE RINGS)
- Mmm-hmm.
Oh, I'm sorry. Mr. Lord can't
be disturbed by anyone.
He's packaging a
blockbuster. Mmm-hmm.
- Ah, Kermie, look, it's wonderful.
- Yeah.
Like a dream come true.
Well, don't count your tadpoles
until they're hatched.
I still have to
audition, you know.
Hey, there ain't nothin'
to it, but to do it.
(BUZZER SOUNDS)
And where do you
think you're going?
Oh, hi, there. I'm going
to audition for Lew Lord.
You can't just walk in here
off the street, you know.
Especially not with
all these animals.
Animals? What's wrong with animals?
ANIMAL: Animal!
This is a movie studio, not a zoo!
Besides...
(SNEEZES)
I'm allergic to animal hair.
Now, get along, all of you.
No. Wait a second. See here, miss.
I may not be one of your fancy Hollywood
frogs, but I deserve a chance.
And we're gonna stay right here in this
office until you let us in to see Lew Lord.
- Aren't we, gang, huh?
- Yes!
- FLOYD: What he says.
- GONZO: Yeah, come on.
KERMIT: We'll just sit right down and wait.
(SNEEZES)
Hello, security, it's Miss Tracey.
I wanna report a... (SNEEZES)
GONZO: Shake. Shake. Shake, everyone.
KERMIT: That's it.
GONZO: Good, good, good. Do it.
- FLOYD: Yeah, go get 'em, Animal.
- KERMIT: Way to go.
FOZZIE: Allergies are nothing to sneeze at.
DR. TEETH: I'm allergic to cats myself.
(SNEEZING)
KERMIT: That's it, Rowlf.
- We got it.
- (CAMILLA CLUCKS)
- KERMIT: Wow.
- (BUZZER SOUNDS)
FLOYD: Yeah, all right.
- Okay, way to go, guys.
- FOZZIE: All right.
Thanks, miss.
Well, friends,
this is it.
Uh, Mr. Lord,
forgive the interruption,
but I'm here to audition.
MISS PIGGY: Yes, yes, yes, yes.
KERMIT: We've come over 2,000 miles...
Uh, oh, boy.
Kermie, we're all with you.
Please, sir. My name is Kermit the
Frog, and we read your ad and...
Well, we've come to
be rich and famous.
Miss Tracey.
Prepare the standard "Rich
and Famous" contract
for Kermit the Frog and company.
Yes. We did it. We did it.
I can't believe it.
Oh, just look at all this.
How did a frog make the big time?
(SINGING) It starts when we're kids
A show-off at school
Makin' faces at friends
You're a clown and a fool
Doin' pratfalls and bird
calls and bad imitations
Ignoring your homework
Now that's dedication
You work to the mirror
You're getting standing ovations
You're burning with hope
You're building up steam
What was once juvenile-ish
Is grown-up and stylish
You're close to your dream
And somebody out there loves you
Stands up and hollers for more
More!
You've found a home
at the magic store
Right, everybody.
Production number, okay?
- Off the trucks and on the job.
- On the job!
Hey, whoa, halt, cease, stop.
Wow, let's do it.
- Do what?
- The movie.
FOZZIE: Yes, sir. A foot stomper.
- Makeup.
- Yes, let's do it. Yes.
Hey, Fozzie, take those
wagons out of there.
Yes, sir. I'm off.
(ROARS)
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Scenery over there, right?
Movin' right along. Hey!
Hey, those are the
trees for the swamp.
Mellow and profitable.
Wacka, wacka.
- Let's make a scene.
- Okay, hon.
- Watch the tree, Rowlf.
- Careful, Scooter.
Ow.
- Watch it!
- (MEEPS)
- Miss Piggy, you look beautiful.
- MISS PIGGY: Thank you.
Hollywood talk.
Wa ha ha ha.
Wa ha ha ha ha.
- Good.
- Wa ha!
The lights. Yeah.
Good. Save those arcs.
Ha, ha.
Crazy Harry plays with electricity!
Sound is ready. Give me a level.
(YELLS) Testing!
(LAUGHS)
Rolling.
Okay, everybody.
Stay in focus, huh?
Okay, Muppet Movie,
scene 1A, take one.
- BEAKER: Makeup ready.
- FLOYD: Scenery ready.
- BUNSEN: Sound is rolling.
- ROWLF: Camera's rollin'.
MISS PIGGY: All ready, Kermie.
Okay, standby. Here we go.
(SINGING) Why are there so
many songs about rainbows?
That's part of what rainbows do
Rainbows are memories
Sweet dream reminders
What is it you'd like to do?
All of us watching and
wishing we'd find it
I've noticed you're watching, too
Someday you'll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers and...
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Kermit.
(MISS PIGGY GASPS)
(SINGING) Life's like a movie
Write your own ending
Keep believing, keep pretending
We've done just what
we've set out to do
Thanks to the lovers
The dreamers
And you
(LAUGHS)
I just knew I'd catch
up with you guys.
(ALL LAUGHING)
- What did you think?
- It was sick and weird.
Kermit, it went swell.
It went great, boss.
Congratulations, Mr. the Frog.
You can be in the next one, Lew.
Great show.
Oh, wow.
Woman!
- Did you like my close-up?
- Oh, yes.
Did you like my song?
How about my karate?
Kermit. Oh, Kermie.
Was I funny? Was I funny, anybody?
Fozzie, you were very, very funny.
Just great.
Go home! Go home!
Bye-bye.