Muppets Most Wanted 2014 full script (Theatrical Cut)

Muppets Most Wanted

Directed by: James Bobin
Produced by: David Hoberman, Todd Lieberman
Written by: Nicholas Stoller, James Bobin
Starring: Ricky Gervais, Ty Burrell, Tina Fey, Steve Whitmire, Eric Jacobson, Dave Goelz, Bill Barretta, David Rudman, Matt Vogel, Peter Linz
Music by: Christophe Beck
Cinematography: Don Burgess
Edited by: James Thomas
Production company: Walt Disney Pictures, Mandeville Films
Distributed by: Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures
Release dates: March 11, 2014 (El Capitan Theatre), March 21, 2014 (United States)
Running time: 107 minutes
Country: United States
Language: English
Budget: $50 million
Box office: $78.2 million
MPAA Rating: PG: "Parental Guidance Suggested. Some Material May Not Be Suitable For Children." (for reckless behavior)
Rotten Tomatoes: Critic Score: 79% Certified Fresh. Average Rating: 6.8/10. Reviews Counted: 169. Fresh: 133. Rotten: 36. Critics Consensus: While it may not reach the delirious heights of The Muppets, Muppets Most Wanted still packs in enough clever gags, catchy songs, and celebrity cameos to satisfy fans of all ages.

(On a night sky background, we see a star, a la Pinocchio. Then, some clouds appear, a la Mary Poppins, and a pirate ship, a la Peter Pan. We then see the castle, a la Cinderella, done in CGI, while different fireworks are appearing. A circular line is drawn over the castle (in the same vein as the previous logo), then the castle enters many dots from the bottom of the screen to reveal "DiSNEY", in the post-1979 Disney script logo font, albeit slightly revised. The circular line is nearly staying visible on the logo)
(EXT. HOLLYWOOD – NIGHT. The fireworks exploded, marking "The End." "Life's a Happy Song (Finale/Reprise)" ends)
MAN: And cut!
(KERMIT THE FROG, the Muppet star and the captain of the Muppets, WALTER, the Muppets' biggest fan, and MISS PIGGY, the diva superstar were so happy that the events of The Muppets was finally over)
Walter: Wow. That was so amazing!
Kermit: Walter, you did a wonderful job.
Walter: Thank you, Kermit. Did we get that?
MISS PIGGY: We got it.
Kermit: We got it, yup.
(The director called out)
Director: Movie's over, people. Go home. That is a wrap.
(While he disappears, SCOOTER, the gofer appeared)
Scooter: Okay, nice work, everyone. Make sure to fill out your I-9s, and we'll see you on the next one.
(Everyone at Hollywood went home. Scooter have Kermit, Miss Piggy, Walter, FOZZIE BEAR, the comedian, and ROWLF THE DOG gather around)
Fozzie: (SIGHS)
Scooter: So, uh… What do we do now?
(Fozzie couldn't have been happier)
Fozzie: Well, we're together again. We got the theater and all our fans are back.
(But there was no one here)
Rowlf: Actually, those were extras.
Fozzie: I saw a few tapping their toes.
Scooter: Yeah, those were paid dancers.
(Fozzie was disappointed)
Fozzie: Oh.
(Miss Piggy saw her moment and seized it)
MISS PIGGY: Or… Maybe since we're all here, now could be the perfect time for you and me to tie the knot, Kermie!
Kermit: (STAMMERING) Well, I mean, maybe I could.
(Walter turned their attention to the camera)
Walter: Hey, what's the camera still doing here?
(Two old hecklers, STATLER & WALDORF, appeared behind him)
Statler: Oh, no. Disaster! That can only mean one thing.
Waldorf: Doggone it, you're right! It looks like they've ordered a sequel.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Kermit: (SINGING) We're doing a sequel
We're back by popular demand
Come on everybody, strike up the band!
(The film reels to… EXT. STUDIO – DAY. The Muppet gang are in Hollywood, California and we're ready for the production)
Kermit & Fozzie: We're doing a sequel
That's what we do in Hollywood
And everybody knows the sequel's never quite as good
Muppets: A sequel
Another feature attraction
Scooter: Places please, light the lights, roll camera, "Action!"
Muppets: I thought it was the end, but no my friends this is when we get to do it all again!
Pigs: Do it all again
Muppets: Until the credits roll, we get another go to show them we can do it all again!
Chickens: (CLUCKING)
Muppets: We're doing a sequel
There's no need to disguise
Miss Piggy: The studio considers us a viable franchise
Muppets: We're doing a sequel
The studio wants more
Gonzo: While they wait for Tom Hanks to make Toy Story 4!
Muppets: I thought it was the end, but no my friends, this is when we get to do it all again!
The Electric Mayhem: Do it all again!
Muppets: Until the credits roll, we've got another go to show them we can do it all again!
Penguins: (SQUAWKING)
Muppets: We're doing a sequel
Kermit: Let's give it a go
Tony Bennett: With Hollywood stars
Lady Gaga: And more one-liner cameos
Muppets: We're doing a sequel
Bunsen: I don't mean to be a stickler
But this is the seventh sequel to our original motion picture
MUPPETS: We're doing a sequel
Beaker: (SCREAMING)
Muppets: Let's give it a shot
Kermit: All we need now is a half decent plot
(The Muppet gang start thinking some ideas for the sequel)
Gonzo: Got it. An epic love story between a very handsome, long nosed purple thing and a beautiful chicken.
Camilla: (CLUCKS)
Gonzo: Gonzo with the Wind.
Kermit: Does anyone have any other ideas?
Fozzie: Oh! Oh! It's about getting the Muppets back together again to stop an evil oil baron from demolishing the old studio!
Kermit: Fozzie, did you even watch our last film?
Miss Piggy: It's about a frog who marries a beautiful, perfect pig. And they have to kiss each other a lot!
Kermit: Uh…
Swedish Chef: (SPEAKING MOCK SWEDISH) (subtitles appear) (How about a film about the existential conundrum of religious faith?)
Kermit: I don't think Americans watch subtitled films. (SIGHS)
(Until, the world tour manager named DOMINIC BADGUY gets an idea)
Dominic: Kermit, how about the Muppets go on a world tour?
Kermit: That's perfect!
MUPPETS: (SINGING) I thought it was the end, but no my friends, this is when we get to do it all again!
Until the credits roll, we've got another go to show them we can do it all again!
We're doing a sequel
It's more of the same
Let's give it a name
Walter: How about The Muppets Again?
Muppets: It's The Muppets Again
With The Muppets Again!
It's the, Muppets, again!
(THE FLYING ZUCCHINI BROTHERS set up the cannon)
Zucchini Brother 1: Okay?
ZUCCHINI BROTHER: I'm okay!
Zucchini Brother 1: Okay! Ha-ha!
(When the song ends, they we're ready)
Zucchini Brother 2: Booma-booma!
Zucchini Brothers: Booma-booma! Hep!
(And at that moment, BOOM! The Zucchini Brothers went blasting out of the cannon)
Zucchini Brother 2: Hey!
Zucchini Brother 3: Pepperoni!
(The smoke rings pass by and confetti rains down while the title: MUPPETS, dropped in)
(The title still reads: MUPPETS. But the MOST WANTED typed next to it)
(EXT. GULAG 38B, SIBERIA – SNOWY NIGHT. In the frozen wasteland of Siberia stood a Gulag–a prison for the most dangerous of criminals)
(It typed: GULAG 38B, SIBERIA, RUSSIA. 02:42)
(INT. PRISON HALLWAY, GULAG 38B – SNOWY NIGHT. Although armed guards and watchful dogs patrolled the prison, it was no match for one criminal mastermind: CONSTANTINE, the world's most dangerous frog. Looking almost exactly like Kermit the Frog, Constantine had one distinguishing mark: a mole on his upper lip)
(Constantine karate-chopped his way out of the cell)
Constantine: (WITH RUSSIAN ACCENT) Let's dance.
(Sirens blared and searchlights were activated. But he still escaped)
(EXT. GULAG 38B – SNOWY NIGHT. From a safe distance, he turned and looked at the prison camp. A wicked smile crossed his face as he held up a detonator)
Constantine: It's time to light the lights.
(BOOM! Part of the Gulag blew up!)
(INT. MUPPET NEWS FLASH)
Newsman: Muppet news flash. Constantine, the world's most dangerous frog, has escaped from a maximum security gulag in Siberia, Russia. This move has leapfrogged Constantine to the number one most wanted criminal in the world, one place ahead of the mysterious Lemur.
(INT. MUSSO & FRANK'S BAR & GRILL – NIGHT. The Muppets accept the meeting with Dominic Badguy)
Dominic: Wow. Thanks for seeing me at my regular booth, Muppets. Big fan. Huge.
(MUPPETS MURMURING)
Dominic: Dominic. International tour manager.
(He handed Fozzie his business card)
Fozzie: "Dominic Badguy"?
Dominic: It's pronounced "Bad-gee." (CLEARS THROAT) It's French.
MUPPETS: Ah!
Dominic: It means "good man."
Kermit: Oh, yes.
Miss Piggy: Oh!
(Dominic kept going)
Dominic: Listen up. You're hot. You're having a moment. But what is inevitable about a moment? It ends.
Fozzie: I don't want this moment to end!
Dominic: That's why we got to get out there now and capitalize on this moment with a capital "C," yeah? I want you to conquer the world. Do an international tour. Show a global audience what you can do.
Muppets: (EXCITED CHATTER)
Kermit: Yeah, that sounds great but I'm just not sure... Wait a second, guys, listen. I'd love to do that, too. But we've barely gotten back together. We don't want to mess that up.
(Dominic crossed his arms)
Dominic: Okay, I am inundated with offers of management at the moment. One Direction, U2, Cirque du Soleil. Just some of the acts I can list.
Fozzie: Wow, that's a good list!
Dominic: And now, I wanna tour manage you guys. I know you're the boss, Kermit. I wouldn't interfere with that. We would share our managerial roles because you've got a special bond with these little guys.
Kermit: Sure.
(Just then, his phone rang)
Dominic: Uh... Oh! (SCOFFS) President Clinton?
(MUPPETS GASPING)
(EXT. SIBERIA, RUSSIA – NIGHT. Constantine was on the way to Berlin)
Constantine: I'm on my way, Number Two.
(INT. MUSSO & FRANK'S BAR & GRILL – NIGHT. Dominic excused himself to another room to take the call)
Dominic: Great, they're taking the bait.
(He was out of earshot)
Gonzo: Well, he seems like a nice guy.
ROWLF: Yeah. Humble and honest.
Kermit: I just... I think we have to get settled first, you know? Hone the show, get some new material, and then maybe go on a world tour.
DOMINIC: See you in Berlin.
CONSTANTINE: Yes. Auf Wiedersehen, Number Two.
(EXT. SIBERIA, RUSSIA – NIGHT. Constantine hang the phone up, held up the detonator and blew up the booth)
(INT. MUSSO & FRANK'S BAR & GRILL – NIGHT. Dominic returned)
Dominic: So... What's it gonna be, Muppets? Ready to be world famous? No pressure, but I am a very busy man.
(The phone rang again)
Dominic: Oh! That's Rihanna. I really should take this.
(All the Muppets begged Kermit)
(MUPPETS TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
Animal: World tour! World tour!
(Kermit was still reluctant, until Walter came up with an idea)
Walter: Well, I mean... I guess we could always hone our acts on the road, and that would be okay. Wouldn't it, Kermit?
ANIMAL: World tour! World tour! Come on, froggy!
Muppets: (INDISTINCT TALKING CONTINUES)
(Finally, Kermit agreed)
Kermit: Okay, let's do it. Dominic, you're hired.
Muppets: (CHEERING)
Dominic: Thanks, Kermit. I mean, boss. You won't regret this.
(There was a Muppet world tour to plan)
(INT. UNION STATION, LOS ANGELES, USA – DAY (08:14). Bright and early the next day, all the Muppets gathered at the train station)
KERMIT: Is everybody here? Yeah? Okay, guys, guys. Get them up and move them out.
(Dominic boards a beautiful, brand-new train)
Kermit: All aboard, Dominic.
(That didn't really comfort him. Or Statler and Waldorf)
Statler: I didn't know there was still third class.
Waldorf: Third class? How about no class?
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
(Just then, Miss Piggy arrived, carrying her little dog, Foo-Foo. Behind her, a porter pushed a huge cart of luggage)
Miss Piggy: Oh! Watch the heels!
Kermit: Piggy, why do you need so much luggage?
Miss Piggy: For our honeymoon, of course!
Kermit: For our what?
(Beauregard leaned out of the engine car)
BEAUREGARD: Let's go, guys!
(The train started moving backwards)
Beauregard: Oh! Oh. That must be reverse. Oh, well. This way looks good, too.
(The train departed and the Muppets were en route)
KERMIT: Okay, Dominic, I thought we could start our world tour in London.
DOMINIC: Or how about the world capital of comedy? Berlin, Germany.
(MUPPETS CHEERING)
ANIMAL: Germany!
(First up on their world tour: Berlin)
(INT. HAUPTBAHNHOF STATION, BERLIN, GERMANY – DAY (10:12). After several travel days, they disembarked from the train. The wall in the train falls out, showing Sweetums, Link Hogthrob and Walter)
Walter: Uh... Was that supposed to happen?
(EXT. BERLIN – DAY. SHOTS of Berlin)
KERMIT: Oh, you guys are gonna love this place.
(EXT. TINY CLUB, BERLIN – DAY. The group followed Kermit to a tiny club)
Kermit: Okay, here we are, guys. The Hole in the Wall Club!
(The marquee read DIE MUPPETS, AS SEEN ON TV!)
Rowlf: "Die Muppets"?
Statler: Looks like they put the reviews up early.
Waldorf: Yeah, or is that the suggestion box?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(INT. THEATER IN RUINS – DAY. Everyone looked doubtful as they headed inside. There, they found a theater in semi-ruins)
MISS PIGGY: "Hole in the Wall Club"? More like "Hole in the Ground Club."
(Kermit tried to rally the others)
Kermit: Okay, everybody. So, we'll start at the bottom and work our way up. I've booked us into cabaret bars and coffee houses all across the industrial cities of Northern Germany. Dusseldorf, Hamburg, Mudburg, Vomitdorf.
Fozzie: Poopenburgen?
Kermit: Fozzie, we have a solid week booked in Poopenburgen.
(The others looked dejected and disappointed. Right then, Dominic stepped forward)
DOMINIC: This looks great. And I think we should commend Kermit on his efforts.
(He clapped and got the others to clap, too)
KERMIT: Thank you, Dominic. Thanks.
Dominic: Or, if I might be so bold...
Kermit: Uh-huh?
Dominic: ...maybe we could consider another venue.
Kermit: Another venue?
(EXT. BERLIN – DAY. Dominic led the others outside)
Dominic: To be precise, this other venue.
(He gestured to the grand building before them: the National Berlin Theater)
MUPPETS: Whoa! Look at that theater!
Kermit: What? No, no. We don't have the money to rent the Berlin National Theater!
(Dominic waved him off)
Dominic: We'll make our money back when we sell it out.
Miss Piggy: Kermie, I've always dreamed of playing the Berlin National Theater. "Ich bin ein Berliner."
Floyd: More like, "Ein frankfurter"!
(MUPPETS CHUCKLING)
Miss Piggy: Watch it, buster.
Kermit: Guys, I'm not sure we can do this, you know?
DOMINIC: Okay, let's put this to the vote. All those in favor of believing in ourselves, raise your hands.
(Most of the Muppets raised their hands)
Muppets: (INDISTINCT TALKING)
Kermit: That's not what I'm saying.
Dominic: And all those in favor of just giving up.
Kermit: (SIGHING) I can't believe I'm voting for giving up.
(But he knew it was hopeless)
(Dominic beamed)
Dominic: Good. Well, I'm glad we made this decision.
(The Muppets were thrilled)
Miss Piggy: Oh, wonderful!
Gonzo: So cool!
WALTER: Isn't that exciting. I can't believe it!
(As the Muppets all headed inside, Dominic stole a quick glance at the building next door: the German National Treasure Museum. He absently rubbed a lemur charm on his bracelet as a wicked smirk crossed his face. So far, all was going according to plan...)
(It typed: NATIONAL TREASURE MUSEUM, BERLIN, GERMANY. 11:14)
(INT. BACKSTAGE, NATIONAL BERLIN THEATER – DAY. Kermit presented the set list to the other Muppets)
Kermit: All right, gather round, troops. Everybody?
Muppets: (TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
Kermit: Okay, guys. Since we're playing such a big theater, let's stick with what we know. We'll open with a cabaret number...
(Gonzo raised his hand)
Gonzo: Kermit, when do I do the indoor running of the bulls?
(He pointed to some large crates, from which a lot of angry grunts could be heard)
(Even Dr. Bunsen Honeydew jumped into the fray)
Bunsen: Mr. Kermit, sir? I would very much like to demonstrate my magnetic bomb-attractor vest.
Beaker: (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
(Kermit swiveled around)
Kermit: Bunsen, why would you even invent one of those?
Bunsen: Why did I invent the unexpectedly exploding cupcake?
(Beaker, in the bomb-attractor vest, holds the cupcake, which explodes. And so does Beaker)
(Gonzo raised his hand again)
Gonzo: Hey, what about Muppet Ladder?
Kermit: Muppet Ladder? That's never, ever worked, Gonzo. Last time we all tried that was 20 years ago and you ended up in a cast for six months.
Gonzo: Yeah, good times.
(Miss Piggy ran up)
Miss Piggy: Kermit, what if I do four or five Celine Dion songs? You know Celine Dion, she works in Vegas.
Kermit: No, Piggy, there's no time for that.
Floyd: What about the band's marathon jam session?
Animal: Drum solo! Drum solo!
Kermit: No drum solo!
(But the Muppets began shouting over one another, asking for their acts to be included)
Kermit: Guys, guys, guys! We can't just do whatever we want. This is our opening night. Let's play to our strengths, because... (SIGHS) Well... Look, I didn't want to worry you guys but if we don't sell this theater out, it would mean the end of the tour.
(The Muppets gasped)
GONZO: What?
Kermit: And maybe the end of us.
(Dominic walked in with box office receipts in his hand)
Dominic: Great news, Muppets. We're sold out.
(Everyone cheered. Everyone except Kermit, who looked at Dominic in disbelief)
Kermit: Fine. I mean, great, great. Well done, Dominic.
(Gonzo walks forward one last time)
Gonzo: Hey, I have an amazing idea for an act. It's called "The Indoor Running of the Bulls."
Kermit: Gonzo, I've told you, that act is far too dangerous.
Gonzo: Actually, Kermit, I was asking Dominic what he thinks.
Kermit: Good grief.
MISS PIGGY: Dominic, Dominic! Five songs.
(Kermit was starting to feel like he was the odd one out)
(INT. DRESSING ROOM, BACKSTAGE – DAY. Kermit was alone)
Kermit: "Sold out." Like we've sold out a show in 30 years.
(Miss Piggy barged into Kermit's dressing room, holding Foo-Foo in her arms)
Miss Piggy: Ahem. Is this a good time to discuss our upcoming European wedding?
Kermit: No, actually, I'm kind of busy right now.
Miss Piggy: Perfect! I have 23 swatches for the seat covers for the reception, eight font choices for the menu, which, by the way, we are not serving files.
Kermit: Piggy, what are you talking about?
Miss Piggy: I'm just trying to involve you in some of the decision-making, dear.
Kermit: What about being involved in the decision to get married in the first place, huh?
Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermit, you never let me do what I want!
Kermit: Oh, yeah? Well, what about what I want, huh? What about that? I haven't even proposed yet.
Miss Piggy: You can do that on our honeymoon.
Kermit: What? (STAMMERING) That's insane! Do you hear what you're saying?
Miss Piggy: Insane! How dare you call your fiancée insane?
Kermit: You are not my fiancée! We are not engaged! And, as a matter of fact, the way this particular conversation is going right now... Well... I'm fine with that!
(Miss Piggy marched off in a huff, slamming the door)
(FOO-FOO GROWLING)
(She walked right past Dominic)
KERMIT: Piggy, wait! I'm sorry!
(FOO-FOO BARKING)
Dominic: Get out!
(INT. STAGE, NATIONAL BERLIN THEATER – DAY. Kermit moped on the empty stage. he wasn't only bothered by the Piggy situation. He also felt somewhat abandoned by the other Muppets)
(Dominic sat down next to him)
Dominic: Don't take it personally. They still love you. They just prefer me now.
Kermit: Uh, thank you, Dominic. That's very comforting.
(Dominic tried to lighten the mood)
Dominic: Do you know what I think helps sometimes in situations like this?
Kermit: What?
Dominic: A walk alone in the fog in former East Berlin. Maybe along a deserted canal.
Kermit: Well, I guess a quiet stroll is not a bad idea. Let the others know I've gone, will you?
Dominic: Sure. I promise.
Kermit: Thanks. (CLEARS THROAT) Ah.
(EXT. CANAL, BERLIN – FOGGY DAY. Kermit left the theater and was soon walking along a foggy canal)
Kermit: (to the chickens) (GREETS IN GERMAN)
(He didn't notice the WANTED posters of Constantine plastered around)
WOMAN: Corrine, come here!
(As the thickness of the fog increased, Kermit discovered he was all alone...until Constantine appeared right in front of him!)
Constantine: Boo.
(KERMIT SCREAMS)
(Constantine quickly applied a fake mole onto Kermit's upper lip, then he disappeared into the fog)
Kermit: What just happened?
((Just then, a GERMAN WOMAN washing clothes noticed Kermit. She looked at him, then at the Constantine posters)
Berliner at Window: (SPEAKING GERMAN) (subtitles appear: It's him, he's here. The evil frog. The Evil Frog!!)
Kermit: (IN ENGLISH) What?
(That caused a group of Germans to gather, all pointing to Kermit, thinking he was Constantine)
Germans: (subtitles appear: That's him. That's Constantine!)
(A German police van pulled up, sirens blaring)
Kermit: Wait a second.
(Officers ran to Kermit and grabbed him)
Kermit: Hold on, hold on! There must be some mistake! Don't you know me? I'm Kermit the Frog!
German Cop: Silence, Constantine. The game is up.
Kermit: Who?
(He turned and saw and noticed the WANTED posters)
Kermit: (GASPS AND SCREAMS) No, no! Wait a minute! I'm Kermit the Frog! Guys, this is a mistake! I'm telling you! (SCREAMS)
(Before he could protest, Kermit was thrown into the back of the van)
Kermit: Hey, hey! Hello! Somebody!
(The van's destination sign quickly changed from PLOTPOINTBURG to SIBERIAN GULAG)
Kermit: Open up! I'm an Amphibian-American!
(As the van drove away, Constantine watched from the shadows. He expertly applied some green makeup to his face to cover up his own hole)
(He smiled evilly)
Constantine: It's not easy being mean. (SNICKERING)
(INT. BACKSTAGE, NATIONAL BERLIN THEATER – DUSK. The Muppets ran around)
(MUPPETS TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
Scooter: Has anyone seen Kermit? It's 15 minutes to curtain.
(Dominic walked out, with Constantine close behind)
Dominic: Hi, guys. Look, it's Kermit, just back from his afternoon stroll.
Constantine: Hi-lo! I am Kermit.
Miss Piggy: What...
DOMINIC: He's got a cold. That's why his voice sounds a little bit different at the moment.
Muppets: (AGREEING)
Constantine: (COUGHS)
Dominic: See? Just calm down. Just relax.
Constantine: You are right. Dominic is terrific! From now on, let's do whatever he says. Hmm?
(The Muppets all cheered)
Muppets (All): All right. Yeah.
Fozzie: Wow, that walk must have really helped.
(Constantine turned and bowed to Miss Piggy)
Constantine: Miss Pig, I have wronged you. I humbly beg your forgiveness.
(Foo-Foo wagged her tail and licked Constantine's hand)
(But Miss Piggy wasn't as immediately impressed)
Miss Piggy: You're not getting off that easy, bucko. Come on, Foo-Foo. (HARRUMPHS)
(As she sauntered away, Animal sensed something was off about Kermit)
Animal: (SNIFFING) Bad frog! Bad frog!
(Then he bit Constantine's arm!)
Constantine: What is this? Let go, dog!
Floyd: Animal, stop it!
(Floyd had to pull Animal off of her)
Floyd: Kermit has agreed that Dominic is right all the time, man.
DOMINIC: Good. So, now that Kermit agrees with me on everything...
Constantine: I am Kermit.
Dominic: Definitely. Let's go and hang out backstage, yeah?
Scooter: Okay, all right.
Constantine: (to Walter) Come, little friend. Let us get on with the show and enjoy our family-style adventure during which we shall bond and learn heartwarming lesson. Perhaps about sharing, or waiting your turn, or the number three. Hmm?
Walter: Um... Right, Kermit. Uh... Sure.
(INT. DRESSING ROOM, NATIONAL BERLIN THEATER – NIGHT. Dominic commended his partner)
Dominic: Flawlessly executed. Bravo.
Constantine: What did you expect from world's most dangerous frog and number one criminal, Number Two?
Dominic: Yeah, I know. You're Number One, I'm Number Two. I think you mentioned that before.
Constantine: Now that we control the Muppet tour, Number Two, phase one of our plan is complete. We are now positioned to carry out greatest... (MUMBLING) Burgle... Blurgh-el... Burgle...
Dominic: "Burglary."
Constantine: Yes. ...of all time, and pin it on those Muppets, who will spend the rest of their miserable lives behind bars. Tonight, we steal the painting and then we'll have all we need to steal the unstealable, the Crown Jewels of England. Ensuring that my name goes down in history as greatest thief of all time!
Dominic: You mean our names, right?
Constantine: Of course. My name first, then spacebar, spacebar, spacebar, spacebar, your name.
DOMINIC: Sure.
Constantine: (SINGING) I'm Number One, you're Number Two
We're criminals at large, but I'm at larger than you
I'm Number One, you're Number Two
I believe in equality as long as you get less than me
I'm one
Dominic: You're one
Constantine: You're Number Two
Dominic: I'm Number Two
Constantine: You may think that you're smarter, but I'm smarter-er than you
I'm Number One, you're Number Two
You're lucky to be Number Two not Number Three
I can see by the look in your eye
You want to get a bigger piece of the pie
One day you'll get your chance
But in the meantime you've got to dance monkey dance!
Dominic: Really? I hate dancing.
Constantine: Do it, dance monkey dance!
Ha-ha!
Dominic: I'm Number Two, she's Number One
I can't believe I'm working for an amphibian
I'm Number One, you're Number Two
Constantine: I'm number one
Dominic: You know life's gone to the dogs, when your boss is a frog
I can see it's just a matter of time
Before he's gone and I'm at the front of the line
It won't be long 'til I'll get my chance
But in the meantime, I've got to dance monkey dance
Constantine: Dance monkey dance!
I'm Number Two
Dominic: She's Number One
Constantine: You're Number Two
Dominic: I'm Number Two
Constantine: That's it kid, there you go. Now step aside this ain't your show!
I'm Number One
Dominic: I'm Number One
Constantine: I'm Number One
Dominic: Yes, we know
Constantine & Dominic (Both): I'm/She's Number One
Constantine: That's how it's done
(Suddenly, someone was knocking on the door. It was Scooter)
Scooter: 15 seconds to curtain... Kermit?
Dominic: Sure.
Scooter: Uh... Okay.
Dominic: Have you studied your Kermit tapes yet?
Constantine: Of course. This is child's play for frog of my talent. (GRUNTS)
(INT. STAGE, NATIONAL BERLIN THEATER – NIGHT. Constantine got into position for the opening number. It was showtime!)
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome...
Constantine: "Study Kermit tapes." Nonsense.
(A drumroll began...)
(Constantine opened the O of the MUPPET SHOW sign. He stuck his head out, looked at the audience...and froze in terror)
Dominic: Oh, no.
(Constantine had the worst stage fright of all time!)
(Scooter whispered from the side of the stage)
Scooter: Kermit! Introduce the show.
(But all Constantine could manage to say was:)
Constantine: Ahhhrrgghghh.
(Then he passed out!)
(The audience gasped, and Scooter jumped onstage to announce the show, in the same manner as Kermit normally did)
Scooter: (STAMMERING) It's the Muppet Show! With our very special guest star, Christoph Waltz! Yay!
(The music plays "The Muppet Show" as the sign goes up with Constantine hanging)
Constantine: What is happening? Why am I flying?
(Constantine is slumped through the hole and falls into the stage)
Constantine: Whoa. (SCREAMS)
(The audience gasped)
Miss Piggy: What the...
Scooter: We gotta do something!
(Sweetums pulls Constantine off the stage while the curtains close. They skipped the opening theme. Scooter appears on stage)
Scooter: (STAMMERING) (SPEAKING IN GERMAN) Please welcome our first act, Herr Christoph Waltz dances the waltz!
(The show began with an elegant ballroom number. The celebrity guest host danced the waltz with Sweetums)
(INT. BACKSTAGE – NIGHT. Constantine slips away and meet up with Dominic)
(INT. STAGE, NATIONAL BERLIN THEATER – NIGHT. The waltz continues)
Christoph Waltz: Darling, you set my world on fire.
Sweetums: Oh!
(This caught Crazy Harry's attention)
Crazy Harry: Did somebody say "explosion"?
Sweetums: No! He says I set his world on fire.
Crazy Harry: There it is again!
(Then he start blowing up the scenery to the beat of the music! Everyone panicked)
Annie Sue: Wait for me! Please! Wait for me.
(With each loud explosion onstage from Crazy Harry, Dominic hammered through the basement wall to reach the museum on the other side)
Crazy Harry: One more!
SWEETUMS: Keep waltzing, Mr. Waltz!
(Crazy Harry blew up the last bit of onstage. The audience applauded)
(INT. BACKSTAGE – NIGHT. The wall had broken down)
Constantine: It was, uh, vertigo. Not stage fright, if that's why you're thinking, Number Two.
Dominic: Sure.
(They climbed through the hole into the museum!)
(INT. NATIONAL TREASURE MUSEUM – NIGHT. From the museum basement, they headed up to the first floor. They walked past oil portraits, stopping in front of a painting of Colonel Thomas Blood, an angry-looking-17th-century Muppet)
DOMINIC: Colonel Thomas Blood.
(He lifted the painting off the wall and cut it from its frame with a knife)
Dominic: Right, now to cover our tracks.
(He grabbed some priceless paintings, which set off the museum's alarm system. He hoped that would give the police the wrong idea: that the burglars were after the priceless paintings, not the Colonel Blood one)
Constantine: Let's get out of here!
(He headed for the door)
(Behind him, Dominic took a coin out of his pocket, left it on the floor, and fled)
(INT. NATIONAL TREASURE MUSEUM, BERLIN, GERMANY – DAY (06:45). The newspaper headline told the story: Priceless German and American portraits stolen from German National Treasure Museum!)
(Police barricaded the crime scene. SAM THE EAGLE, an interested party, flashed his CIA badge)
Sam the Eagle: CIA.
(Interpol agent JEAN PIERRE NAPOLEON flashed a larger badge)
Jean Pierre: Interpol! What is the CIA doing here? This is my jurisdiction. Not to mention, my badge is bigger.
Sam the Eagle: One of the stolen paintings was on loan from the New York Metropolitan Museum of Art. So, this is CIA jurisdiction. Also, this is my travel badge. Here's my real badge.
(He removed a gigantic badge from a suitcase)
Jean Pierre: Oh. You must have been looking at the wrong. Badge!
(He ripped open his shirt, revealing his entire chest covered in a badge)
(Sam the Eagle nodded)
Sam the Eagle: What? (SIGHS) You've won this round, Pierre.
Jean Pierre: My name is "Jean."
Sam the Eagle: Okay, Shawn. It looks like we're gonna be working together. But that doesn't mean I have to like you.
Jean Pierre: I didn't like you first.
Sam the Eagle: I didn't like you before I met you. So, what have we got?
(Jean Pierre looked at his notes)
Jean Pierre: Two priceless painting stolen and one average painting of an obscure English colonel.
Sam the Eagle: Hmm.
Jean Pierre: This has all the markings of the work of the Lemur.
Sam the Eagle: What's a lemur?
Jean Pierre: Only the second most wanted criminal in the world. And my personal nemesis. Unfortunately for me, his identity is a mystery.
(Sam the Eagle shook his head)
Sam the Eagle: No, literally, what is a lemur?
Jean Pierre: Oh. It is also a rat-monkey from Madagascar.
(Then he spotted a coin on the floor and bent down to pick it up)
Jean Pierre: A-ha! Just as I suspected.
(He showed it to Sam the Eagle, noting the lemur that was embossed on the face of the coin)
Jean Pierre: This coin is his calling card. The Lemur, he is playing with us.
(The UPS delivery man came in with the package)
USP Guy: I have a delivery here for Mr. Eagle.
Sam the Eagle: Right here.
(The UPS guy hands Sam the Eagle the rope)
UPS Guy: And here's your rope.
Sam the Eagle: Mmm.
(He pulled the rope and the cloth falls off to reveal a biggest CIA badge)
Sam the Eagle: You were saying?
(Jean Pierre has nothing else to say)
(INT. TOUR TRAIN – DAY. Dominic read the newspaper)
DOMINIC: Look at that. "Muppets sell out in Berlin." Five stars!
(The Muppets all cheered)
Constantine: Kermit the Frog is liking this news.
(INT. ENGINE CAR – DAY. Beauregard peeks out the engine car)
Beauregard: Choo-choo, yeah! (CHUCKLES) Ooh, tunnel.
(He gets hit by a sign, a sack, and a pigeon)
(INT. OFFICE, TOUR TRAIN – DAY. Constantine removed the painting of Colonel Thomas Blood from his bag and turned it over. It was blank)
CONSTANTINE: (GROANS) It's not there. You were wrong!
Dominic: Not so fast. Oldest trick in the book.
(He pulled an iron from his bag. Once hot, he ironed the back of the painting. An ancient-looking map slowly appeared)
Dominic: Write it in lemon juice, then simply apply heat to reveal Colonel Blood's map.
(Sure enough, the map was entitled "How to Steal the Crown Jewels of England. Secret Tunnels of the Tower of London, drawn by Thomas Blood, Colonel 1670." Underneath the diagram, a set of symbols read: KEY + LOCKET + JEWELS)
(Thomas Blood nearly stole the Crown Jewels. His second-in-command, Godfrey the Unknown, betrayed him)
Constantine: Mmm...
Dominic: Of course, today, the Crown Jewels lie behind the most location security system on the planet. And this map, along with Blood's key and locket, is the only way to get close to them.
Constantine: Good work, Number Two. What does it say about location of Blood's key?
Dominic: Right. Something, something. "Finest wooden teeth."
Constantine: That is not helpful.
(He scanned the page and found something)
Dominic: Wait. There's the name of a city here. Madrid.
(As soon as he was able, he booked the next one on the Muppet tour–Madrid)
(EXT. GULAG 38B, SIBERIA, RUSSIA – DAY (07:12). Thousands of miles away! the van transporting Kermit arrived at the gulag)
KERMIT: You've got the wrong frog!
(EXT. MAIN PRISON YARD, GULAG 38B – DAY. Kermit was put in the main prison yard with the worst of the worst: the PRISON KING, MISS POOGY, DANNY TREJO, AND BIG PAPA)
Prison King: It's Constantine.
Kermit: What?
Prison King: He's back.
(All the prisoners kneeled and bowed down to Kermit)
(Kermit looked at all the down and dirty folks around him)
Kermit: What are you doing? I'm not Constantine. My name is Kermit.
Danny Trejo: Constantine, always with the jokes!
(The prisoners all thought that was hilarious)
Miss Poogy: Good old Constantine. Always trying to pull a fast one. (LAUGHING)
(The Prison King stepped up to Kermit)
Prison King: Old friend. Since you are back, I guess you are in charge of prison again. Here, take prison crown.
(He held out a handmade crown made of sporks)
Prison King: We have to readjust it again. Sergei, you get on that. Take, take.
(They all left)
Kermit: Oh, thank you. Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)
(The prisoners all fell silent, in shock)
(Uh-oh, though Kermit. What did I do wrong?)
(Finally, Big Papa spoke up)
Big Papa: Wait a minute. I've known Constantine for years.
Prison King: And he has never...
Danny Trejo: Ever...
Miss Poogy: Said, "Thank you."
Kermit: Because I am not Constantine.
(The Prison King stepped up again and sniffed him)
Prison King: How dare you?
(He took the crown from Kermit. The prisoners went wild)
MISS POOGY: He's not Constantine!
Big Papa: Let's throw him in the recycling compacter!
(Kermit screamed as the prisoners rushed toward him)
MISS POOGY: Throw him in the compacter!
Kermit: But I'm always green!
MISS POOGY: Squash that frog!
(Suddenly...)
NADYA: Put the frog down.
(He turned to discover that the voice belonged to a beautiful but hardened Russian guard. Her name was COMRADE NADYA. She held a stun gun and used it on the other prisoners)
Nadya: Or I will deploy.
(Kermit was dropped on the ground)
(Nadya helped Kermit up)
Kermit: (WHIMPERING) Where am I?
Nadya: The Gulag.
Kermit: A gulag?
Prison King: Gulag. The Big House.
Danny Trejo: Casa Grande!
Prisoners (All): The Big House!
Nadya: Hit it, boys.
Prisoners: (VOCALIZING)
Nadya: (SINGING) This is Russia's premier stated funded hotel
We're very proud of our eclectic clientele
Excellence in service since 1932
Don't believe what you read in the online reviews
(INT. PRISON HALLWAY, GULAG 38B – DAY. Nadya takes Kermit on a tour)
Nadya: It's the Big House
The perfect getaway
Welcome into the Big House
You'll never get away
It's no Hilton or no Hyatt
But you will have a riot
So please enjoy your stay
Here's the dining room the menu is minimal
What the cook does to the food is criminal
Pull up a seat frog, grab yourself a stool
May I recommend you try our famous gruel
In the Big House
You'll never be alone
Life ain't bad in the Big House
No froggy, no
Check out after ten
Or eleven years
Make yourself at home
Accommodation here is far superior
Than anything else you will find in Siberia
Let me know if there's anything you need
Everything's free, money back guaranteed
MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISONER: In the Big House you will not survive
When you arrive in the Big House, run for your live
(NADYA MIMICKING TRUMPET)
MUPPET PRISONER: Two, three, four
Nadya: It's the Big House
The perfect getaway
Welcome into the Big House
You'll never get away
For your sorority
I'll keep the only key
Now please enjoy your stay
(She walked him to his cell and throw him in. Now Kermit was behind bars!)
Kermit: Listen, I'm telling you, you've got the wrong frog!
Nadya: If you are not Constantine, why do you have that mole?
Kermit: It's not real. Someone glued it to my lip.
Nadya: As far as authorities are concerned, you are Constantine. Glue or no glue.
Kermit: (SIGHS)
Nadya: Make yourself comfortable. You're going to be here a while.
(She turned to leave)
Kermit: I wouldn't be so sure. My friends will be here soon!
NADYA: Now, lights out!
(The hallway went black and Nadya fell down in the dark)
Nadya: Turn them back on! I can't see anything.
(The lights went back on and Nadya helped himself up)
Nadya: You have to wait until I'm, like, out of the hallway. It's figure of speech.
(Since Nadya was out of sight, the lights went black again)
(INT. OFFICE, TOUR TRAIN – NIGHT. Dominic read from the back of the painting)
DOMINIC: Okay. It seems that Blood's key is hidden in a marble bust of his accomplice, Godfrey the Unknown, which is kept in the Statue Room at the Prado Museum.
CONSTANTINE: Perfect. We break in, steal the bust, destroy it and grab key.
(Dominic shook his head)
Dominic: Yeah, it's not that simple. You see, no one knows what Godfrey the Unknown looked like.
Constantine: (LAUGHS) Of course not. He was second in command, so no one cared.
(Dominic, being second-in-command himself, didn't like the sound of that)
Dominic: And there's 250 statues in that room.
Constantine: That may be problem. Let me think, Number Two. (BREATHES DEEPLY) Hmm...
(Just then, Miss Piggy and Foo-Foo interrupted)
Miss Piggy: Excusez-moi, Kermie. Do you have a moment?
(Constantine just stared out the window, thinking)
Dominic: Kermit.
(Miss Piggy began)
Miss Piggy: I just wanted to say that I accept your apology and I'm ready to put our little disagreement or whatever it was, behind us. And, perhaps, I was a little too eager about the wedding...
Constantine: Pig, I have question. Am I wearing sign that says "Bother Me"?
(In shock, Miss Piggy burst into tears and slammed the door on her way out)
Dominic: What was that? What was that?
Constantine: Uh... I was in the middle of evilly plotting. I do not like to be interrupted while evilly plotting.
(Dominic sighed)
Dominic: If we're to get away with this, you've got to keep up appearances.
Constantine: I am keeping up appearances.
Dominic: If you want the Crown Jewels, stick to the plan. Do whatever the pig wants. Keep her happy. Whatever she asks of you.
(INT. MISS PIGGY'S ROOM, TOUR TRAIN – NIGHT. Miss Piggy was packing)
Miss Piggy: Stupid frog! Stupid train!
(Constantine walked in)
Miss Piggy: I don't want to talk to you, Kermit. I said, I want you out!
(Constantine stepped forward anyway)
Constantine: I don't think you know what you want.
Miss Piggy: Yeah, I do. I just told you, I...
Constantine: Shh. You're my lady and I'm your princess, baby. And that's why, if you stick with me, I can give you what you want. Hmm?
(He quickly fashioned in his shirt)
Constantine: (SINGING) Baby, stop right there
Let me clear the air
Baby, look into these eyes
Let me apologize
I know what you're thinking of
You're thinking where's the love
Babe, the love ain't gone
It's here where it belongs
I know what you're waiting for
Well, you don't need to wait no more
I can give you anything you want
Give you anything you need
I'll make your dreams come true
Give you anything you want
Fulfill your fantasies
I'll make your dreams come true
You wanna unicorn, I'll give it to you
You wanna puppy dog, I'll give it to you
You want an ice cream cone, I'll give it you
You want a mortgage loan, I'll give it to you
You wanna satin pillow, I'll give it to you
You want an armadillo, I'll give it to you
You wanna diamond ring, I'll give it to you
You wanna a thingy thing, I'll give it to you
I know what you're waiting for
Well you don't need to wait no more
I can give you anything you want
Give you anything you need
I'll make your dreams come true
Give you anything you want
Fulfill your fantasies
I'll make your dreams come true
I'm singing
Cockatoo
Kangaroo
In Malibu
I'll give it to you, I'll make your dreams come true
Cockatoo
Kangaroo
In Malibu
I'll make your dreams come true
(Mayhem was brewing among the Muppets (and not the Electric kind!))
Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermie. You are what I've always wanted.
(All the Muppets kept asking Scooter what the set list was going to be for tomorrow's show. But he didn't know. So finally, he asked Constantine)
Scooter: Uh, excuse us.
Constantine: Hmm?
Scooter: But we are all wondering, what's the set list for tomorrow, chief?
Constantine: I don't care. Do whatever you want.
MISS PIGGY: What?
FLOYD: Is he serious?
(Gonzo's eyes grew large)
Gonzo: Uh, Kermit, could I do indoor running of the bulls?
Constantine: Sure, Zongo. Who cares?
Gonzo: Wow! Thank you, Kermit!
(Miss Piggy put her hands on her lips)
Miss Piggy: Kermie, if he can do his thing, why can't I sing my five songs?
Constantine: Well... You can. Who cares?
(Scooter interrupted)
Scooter: We don't have time for all this stuff. We're up to a three-hour show, Kermit.
Constantine: You are forgetting one thing, small man with glasses. I can give you what you want.
Floyd: All right!
Scooter: Okay. Indoor running of the bulls.
(The Muppets were happy with the new show idea and ran off to get ready)
Walter: Won't the show be terrible? Uh... Guys?
(But they didn't answer)
Walter: (SIGHS) I'm so confused.
(INT. PRISON HALLWAY, GULAG 38B – NIGHT. Kermit was trying to take the fake mole off of him. But it's too stuck. He write a line between four lines)
Kermit: Where are you guys? Looks like I'm gonna have to break out of here myself.
(He stares at the Miss Piggy poster. He really misses her)
(EXT. ATOCHA STATION, MADRID, SPAIN – DAY. The train finally arrived in Madrid)
(INT. DRESSING ROOM, TEATRO COFIDIS, MADRID – DAY. To study Kermit's speech patterns, Constantine sat himself down in front of a TV and watched a VHS tape of the opening to The Muppet Show Episode 323: Lynn Redgrave)
Kermit (On TV): It's The Muppet Show, with our very special quest star, Lynn Redgrave. Yay!
(Constantine hit the STOP button and tried to mimic him)
Constantine: (IMITATING) Yes!
(Next, he flips the channel to the Reporter Kermit from the News Flash sketch: Nursery Rhyme: Little Miss Muffet from Sesame Street Episode 0680)
Kermit (On TV): Oh. Hi-ho! Kermit the Frog, here.
(Constantine hit the STOP button again)
Constantine: Hi-lo. Kermit the Frog here.
(Next, he flips the channel to the "Rainbow Connection" musical number from the 1979 film The Muppet Movie)
Kermit (On TV): (SINGING) The lovers, the dreamers and me
(Constantine hit the STOP button again)
Constantine: The lovers, the dreamers and cheese.
(Constantine had no expression whatsoever and got the words wrong)
Constantine: Nailed it.
(INT. STAGE, TEATRO COFIDIS – DAY. Constantine walked out onstage, opened the "O" in the Muppet Show sign and announced the show)
Constantine: It's El Muppet Show, with our very special guest, Salma Hayek. Hey!
(The audience cheered, which made Constantine feel good. The Muppet Show sign raises and the curtains
open. Two Mutations, Thog, and Sweetums appeared onstage)
Female Muppets: Que empiece ya la musica
Que empieze el festival
Ya están aquí los muppets
Este show va a comenzar
Male Muppets: Ya toca maquillarse
Hay que vestirse bien
Que empiece ya la fiesta
Statler: Would you look at that?
Waldorf: No.
Statler: Good idea.
Constantine: Que empiece ya la fiesta
Muppets (All): Es el más sensacional
Espetacular
Supercolosal
Megapopular
El show de Los Muppets va a empezar
(The Muppet Show sign appears again and Gonzo's trumpet gag consists of the soccer ball popping out from the trumpet and Gonzo subsequently shooting it towards the audience)
(Constantine came back out onstage)
Constantine: Yes! Hello and welcome to El Muppet Show. Please welcome our opening act, the Great Gonzo and the indoor running of the bulls!
(As the audience clapped, Constantine stood there, enjoying the applause)
(INT. BACKSTAGE, TEATRO COFIDIS – NIGHT. Salma Hayek and Gonzo were all dressed up)
Salma Hayek: Gonzo? Gonzo, I don't want to do this.
Gonzo: What? This is gonna be great.
Salma Hayek: Are you sure about this?
Gonzo: Nope. Come on. Let's go.
(INT. BASEMENT, TEATRO COFIDIS – NIGHT. Dominic waited impatiently for Constantine. It was the same plan as before: Go from the theater basement into the museum basement underground)
Dominic: Where have you been?
Constantine: On stage.
Dominic: Why did the...
(Just then, they started to hear the bulls running above them)
(INT. STAGE, TEATRO COFIDIS – DAY. The bulls ran around the stage. Gonzo rides on one of the bulls. However, they throws him off them)
(INT. BASEMENT, TEATRO COFIDIS – NIGHT. As the noise level rose, Constantine used dynamite to blow a hole in the wall)
(INT. BACKSTAGE, TEATRO COFIDIS – DAY. Gonzo and Salma Hayek ran backstage)
Gonzo: The bulls are out of control! Who could have foreseen this?
Salma Hayek: Me. I did.
(Abruptly, she hear the bulls coming backstage)
Salma Hayek: Here they come again!
(She hurried away as fast as she can)
(INT. STAGE, TEATRO COFIDIS – DAY. Scooter walked into the stage)
Scooter: Okay. Sorry about that, folks, but now put your hands together for Miss Piggy. Olé!
(The audience applauded as Miss Piggy appears, vocalizing "Macarena")
Carlo and Manolo Flamingo: Ay! Ay! Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena
Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria cosa buena
Dale a tu cuerpo alegria, Macarena
Hey Macarena
Ay! Ay!
Miss Piggy: (SINGING) Don't you worry about my boyfriend
The boy whose name is Kermitino
(Walter couldn't believe it. Neither did Statler and Waldorf)
Statler: I don't believe it. They've managed the impossible. What an achievement! Bravo! Bravo!
Waldorf: What? You mean you actually like this show now?
Statler: No! They've made the show even worse!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Statler: Bravo! Bravo!
Waldorf: Amazing!
(INT. PRADO MUSEUM – DAY. Soon, Constantine and Dominic were inside the Prado museum, smashing 249 busts)
DOMINIC: Where is it?
CONSTANTINE: It's got to be here somewhere. Keep smashing, Number Two.
DOMINIC: What do you think I'm doing? I'm smashing.
CONSTANTINE: Where is that key?
(Dominic picked up the last one. It says "A Man Forgotten by History")
DOMINIC: The last one. It better be in here.
Constantine: He looks a little bit like you, Number Two.
(Dominic lifted up the bust and, with a whole lot of anger, smashed it. Among the debris, he found a large iron key. On it was written COLONEL BLOOD'S KEY)
DOMINIC: Colonel Blood's key.
CONSTANTINE: Nice of him to label it. So, where is the locket?
Dominic: There's more. (reading) "To him that seeks the locket faire look beneath the vaults of eire" Of course. That's where Blood's locket is. In the vaults of the Irish National Bank.
Constantine: Then I know where Muppet tour must stop next. Dublin.
(INT. STAGE, TEATRO COFIDIS – DAY. The Electric Mayhem are in the jam session)
Animal: Drum solo!
(The Electric Mayhem played until the session ended. The audience woke up and cheered)
(Walter watches from backstage)
Walter: A standing ovation?
CONSTANTINE: I am Kermit. I hope you enjoyed my show. I love you, Madrid!
(He moonwalked offstage, and the audience went wild)
(INT. BACKSTAGE, TEATRO COFIDIS – DAY. All the Muppets were surprised and buoyed by the applause. They were not used to such a great crowd)
Fozzie: Wow, what an audience! Great show, Kermit!
(Fozzie congratulated his friend once they were offstage)
Miss Piggy: They loved me, Kermie! They loved me!
(Walter scratched his head, thinking about the runaway bulls and Miss Piggy's five musical numbers)
WALTER: Guys? I'm not sure that was such a great show.
Janice: Like, what are you talking about? That jam was, like, totally epic.
Dominic: Exactly. And I'm glad to say the Spanish reviewers disagree with you as well, Walter. They loved us. Five out of five jamón serranos.
(Walter couldn't believe it)
Walter: Those reviews really came out fast.
Pepé: And Citizen Kane only got four jamón serranos.
(Before anyone could say another word, Dominic announced)
DOMINIC: And more good news. Pack up, everyone. I've booked our next gig. In Dublin.
Walter: Oh, great! Now we all have time to rehearse.
(He certainly didn't want another show like the one they just had)
Dominic: Rehearse? Let's celebrate.
Rizzo: Yeah!
(Constantine looked at the assembled Muppets)
CONSTANTINE: Yes! You deserve it, comrades! Go do whatever you want.
(ON Walter who thought that was great news)
(INT. PRADO MUSEUM, MADRID, SPAIN – DAY (06:42). The guards enter the museum and turns on the lights. The busts were shattered)
Prado Museum Guard #2: (WHIMPERS) Looks like we are busted.
(INT. INTERPOL HEADQUARTERS, GENEVA SWITZERLAND – DAY (10:15). Jean Pierre and Sam the Eagle were enjoying tea)
Sam the Eagle: (GRUMBLING) Exactly what are we doing today?
Jean Pierre: I am doing my job. All we need to do is look at the map with the blinky lights. And wait. This is how it is done here in Europe.
Sam the Eagle: In America, we use 3-D satellite LED displays. Not cardboard with Christmas lights stuck through it.
(Jean Pierre notices a blinky light blinking. They heard about the Prado museum burglary)
Jean Pierre: A blinky light! She is blinking! Let's go.
(They sprang into action)
(EXT. INTERPOL HEADQUARTERS, GENEVA SWITZERLAND – DAY. Jean Pierre led the way to their car)
(Sam the Eagle saw Jean Pierre's tiny car)
Sam the Eagle: What is this? A toy?
(However, Jean Pierre was very proud of his car)
Jean Pierre: This is our car, Le Maximum. It is illegal now in most of the EU for its massive size.
(They both got into the tiny car)
Jean Pierre: It's so needlessly spacious, I feel guilty.
(He put the siren on top of the tiny car as it rolled off)
Jean Pierre: (YELLS IN FRENCH)
SAM THE EAGLE: I hate Europe.
(They went on a crazy and short ride)
JEAN PIERRE: Madrid, here we come!
(EXT. MADRID – DAY. They drive through the streets, markets, and people)
Jean Pierre: Get out of the way.
SAM THE EAGLE: Stay on the road!
JEAN PIERRE: Interpol! Excusez-moi.
MAN: Watch out, everyone!
(They arrived at the museum)
JEAN PIERRE: 37 hours. Not bad.
(EXT. PRADO MUSEUM, MADRID – DAY. It didn't take long for Jean Pierre to discover the Lemur coin)
Jean Pierre: The Lemur. I knew it.
Sam the Eagle: This doesn't make any sense. Why break in, smash some priceless busts and then not steal anything? There must be something bigger going on. But what?
(CLOCK BELL TOLLING)
Jean Pierre: Ah, I've got it! Oh, sorry. 2:00 PM. My day is over.
(All of a sudden, he noticed the Muppet Show poster)
Sam the Eagle: Wait. Those weirdos, the Muppets, were performing next to the crime scene in Berlin. And here they are, performing right next to the crime scene in Madrid! You know what that means.
Jean Pierre: Yes, they love museums!
Sam the Eagle: They're suspects!
Jean Pierre: Okay. Overtime. We must find these Muppets before they flee the country. To the train station!
(EXT. ATOCHA STATION, MADRID – DAY. Jean Pierre and Sam the Eagle sped to the train station. They parked)
Jean Pierre: Are you all Les Muppets?
(They flashed their badges at the Muppets)
Fozzie: Wow, those are big badges!
Sam the Eagle: Thank you.
Jean Pierre: Merci... Come, come. You must come with us to answer some questions.
(EXT. LOCAL POLICE STATION, MADRID – EVENING. Then they took them for interrogation)
Sam the Eagle: (SINGING) Kermit, let's begin
Describe the day you played Berlin
Constantine: We rehearsed and then we walked about
We ate bratwurst and sauerkraut
Jean Pierre: That night at 10:03
Were you inside the portrait gallery?
Constantine: My alibi is watertight
The audience saw me sing all night
Jean Pierre: Monsieur we know you did the crime
Constantine: I was on stage that whole time
Ask who sang Rainbow Connection
Sam the Eagle & Jean Pierre (Both): Thank you Kermit, no more questions
Jean Pierre: Allo. I think it's time for good cop/romantic cop.
(SINGING) Miss Piggy, you could end up locked inside
Now's your chance to save your hide
Miss Piggy: Gentlemen, I did not know
It's a crime to steal the show
Sam the Eagle: Tell us how the art was taken
Jean Pierre: If you want to save your bacon
Miss Piggy: I haven't seen your missing art
All I've stolen is audience hearts
Jean Pierre: We'll catch the swine that did this job
Miss Piggy: Give up the pig puns, creep!
Go jump in a lake, that's my suggestion
Sam the Eagle & Jean Pierre (Both): Thank you Piggy, no more questions
Jean Pierre: I think she likes me. Huh?
Sam the Eagle: I don't think your puns are helping the investigation.
Jean Pierre: You know, I think they did it
Sam the Eagle: No, they didn't
Jean Pierre: Yes, they did, and we can pin it
Sam the Eagle: If they did, how did they do it?
Jean Pierre: If they didn't, how did they didn't?
Sam the Eagle: If they didn't then it's easy 'cause they simply didn't do it
Jean Pierre: If they did it, then I knew it but we've nothing that can prove it
(CLEARS THROAT) Oh, excuse me
Sam the Eagle: Uh
Jean Pierre: Let's go from the start
What do you know about the stolen art?
Lew Zealand: I didn't know there was a plan
Dr. Teeth: Your accusation's far out, man
Bunsen: The chances of us committing a crime
Are less than .009
Swedish Chef: (SPEAKING MOCK SWEDISH)
Penguins: (QUACKING)
Animal: Aaaarghh!
Fozzie: (SINGING) Uh, I can do an Elvis impression?
(Crazy Harry, speechless, pushes the detonator, and disappears)
Sam the Eagle & Jean Pierre (Both): Thank you Muppets, no more questions!
Jean Pierre: They didn't
Sam the Eagle: No, they didn't
Jean Pierre: There's no way they did the crime
Sam the Eagle: They couldn't, they're too stupid
Jean Pierre: Not criminal masterminds
Sam the Eagle: We do not know who did it
But we know who didn't do it
Sam the Eagle & Jean Pierre (Both): So we know who didn't do it
Yes we know who didn't do it
Jean Pierre: They're incapable of being culpable!
Fozzie: Hi!
SAM THE EAGLE: Come on. Let's go over the files again.
(INT. CELL, GULAG 38B – NIGHT. Kermit pulled a spoon out from under his pillow. He lifted up a large poster of Miss Piggy, ready to continue digging. But Nadya was looking out at him from the hole in the wall!)
Nadya: Stop digging escape tunnel, frog.
Kermit: How did you know?
Nadya: It's the first escape everyone tries.
(EXT. MAIN PRISON YARD, GULAG 38B – DAY. Next, Kermit tried to escape through a laundry basket. But Nadya discovered him)
Nadya: That's the second escape people try.
(INT. BATHROOM, GULAG 38B – DAY. Kermit tried to escape through the sewer pipes, which didn't work, either)
Nadya: Third way! Give up, frog. I have Netflix account with search keywords "prison escape." I have seen every prison movie ever made. Even the ones in space.
Kermit: (SIGHS) Yeah, well... (GASPS) (noticing his Muppet friends in the newspaper) Hey, wait a second. That's them! That's my friends! What happened to them?
(Nadya read the newspaper)
Nadya: (reading) "Dominic Badguy. An interview with the brains behind the Muppets' triumphant comeback world tour."
Kermit: What?
Nadya: It seems your friends do not need you anymore. They have forgotten about you.
Kermit: Oh, no, no, no. They wouldn't. They couldn't. We're a family.
Nadya: "Family"? No one believes in family in the Gulag, frog. People are only ever out for themselves.
Kermit: (SIGHS)
(Nadya thought Kermit was stuck in the Gulag forever)
Nadya: Listen, Kermit. We have annual lighthearted Gulag Revue coming up. It is that, or they riot. I thought you might help me.
Kermit: Uh... The thing is Nadya, I'm sort of done doing that, but thanks for the offer.
(Nadya shook her head)
Nadya: This is not offer. This is prison. You are going to help me. Rehearsals tomorrow, 4:00 AM. Or I put you on The Wall.
Kermit: "The Wall"? Why would I be afraid of a wall?
(EXT. MAIN PRISON YARD, GULAG 38B – DAY. Before he knew it, Kermit was taken outside in the freezing cold. Nadya licked him with her tongue and threw him against a giant metal wall. Kermit stuck to it. Despite struggling, he couldn't get free. POPS the show doorman sticks above him)
Pops: Just direct the show. You'll never escape.
(Kermit looked down at Nadya)
Kermit: What time did you say that rehearsal was?
(Nadya smiled and reached up, slowly peeling Kermit off the metal wall)
(EXT. LOCAL POLICE STATION, MADRID – EVENING. Sam the Eagle had his head between his wings. Jean Pierre was so frustrated)
JEAN PIERRE: Okay. What about this comedian bear? He is too stupid to be stupid. He must be some sort of genius.
(Finally, Sam the Eagle conceded)
Sam the Eagle: Maybe your "Lemur" hunch is correct. (SIGHS)
Jean Pierre: Except for the fact that the Muppets play tomorrow night at the Dublin Theatre. Which just happens to be next door to the Irish National Bank! Maybe your Muppet hunch is... Correct.
Sam the Eagle: It's almost as if we're...
Sam the Eagle & Jean Pierre (Both): Not so different after all.
Jean Pierre: Come, come, mon ami! We must follow the Muppets to Dublin!
Sam the Eagle: To Dublin!
(INT. TRAIN CAR – EVENING. As Walter walked around, he heard a voice)
CONSTANTINE: Kremlin!
(Walter looked out the glass window and saw that Constantine is karate-chopping wood)
Constantine: Putin!
(INT. TOUR TRAIN – EVENING. Walter walked inside just in time to hear crazy music)
MISS PIGGY: No, what are you doing?
(The Electric Mayhem went crazy and destroyed their instruments. Pepé hosted a gambling party)
Sean Combs: Okay, number five, baby. Blow.
Pepé: Come on.
(He blow the dice)
Sean Combs: There you go. You know the routine.
Pepé: Come on, Diddy Daddy!
(The dice show number five. They cheer!)
Walter: Hey, guys? Fellas?
(But things escalated quickly. Gonzo rode his motorcycle while a shark attacked the Swedish Chef. It was absolutely out of control!)
Walter: (ducking) Ah!
(That was a close call!)
ZOOT: Whoa, man!
Sweetums: Hey, did you see that?
Walter: (WHISTLES LOUDLY)
(The music stopped)
Walter: Um, do you guys think that Kermit's been acting a little weird lately?
Muppets (All): No.
(They were too busy having fun, too busy doing whatever they wanted)
Walter: (SIGHS) You're probably right. It's just me.
(Animal felt bored)
Animal: (SIGHING) Bad frog.
(INT. STAGE, GULAG 38B – DAY. The following morning, Kermit watched the current acts from the prisoners. They were awful. Bad music, terrible dancing, and depressing songs)
Prisoners: (SINGING TUNELESSLY) Come to the end of the road
Still I can't let go
It's unnatural
You belong to me
I belong to you
(Nadya thought so, too)
Nadya: Enough! You're all terrible.
(She turned to Kermit)
Nadya: Fix this. Or it's The Wall.
Kermit: Oh. Of course.
(Kermit gulped. He nervously before the other prisoners)
Kermit: Guys, um... (CLEARS THROAT) It's always good to start with an up-tempo song and dance and then go into a comedy routine.
Big Papa: But we like Boyz II Men!
Prison King: It is Big Papa's favorite song. Lot of emotions in that song for him.
Danny Trejo: I'm not learning no other song. I'm a triple threat! A singer, a dancer and a murderer!
(As the prisoners raised their voices in protest, Kermit was reminded of the arguments he used to have with his fellow Muppet performers)
Animal: Drum solo! Drum solo!
Gonzo: When do I do the indoor running of the bulls?
Floyd: What about the band's marathon jam session?
Miss Piggy: Four of five musical numbers.
(Finally...)
Kermit: Quiet! Now, look! We are holding auditions tomorrow. And if any of you have a problem with that, any of you, then my door is always open!
(Nadya was smitten with the stronger side of Kermit)
Nadya: Thank you, Kermit. This is what we've all been waiting to hear.
Prison King: Teach us, Kermit. We will do whatever frog say. Put it there.
(INT. CELL, GULAG 38B – NIGHT. Kermit got ready for bed. Nadya stood beside him)
Nadya: Good night, frog. Nice work today.
Kermit: Thanks, Nadya.
Nadya: Even if your friends don't need you, we certainly do.
Kermit: Good night.
(Nadya walked off and say good night to the other prisoners)
Nadya: Good night, Big Papa.
Big Papa: 'Night, Nadya.
Nadya: Good night, Carl.
Big Mean Carl: Good night, Nadya.
Nadya: Good night, Prison King.
Prison King: Good night, Nadya.
Nadya: Good night, Skullcrusher.
Skullcrusher: Good night.
Nadya: Good night, Danny Trejo.
Danny Trejo: Good night, Nadya.
(Kermit looked out the window. He hears Nadya's voice of how his friends didn't need him)
NADYA: No one believes in family in the Gulag, frog. People are only ever out for themselves.
(INT. TOUR TRAIN – EVENING. Walter just knew something wasn't right)
(INT. BEDROOM, TOUR TRAIN – DAY. As the train pulled into the Dublin station, Walter spotted Dominic out the window, looking shifty)
WALTER: Well, well, well. What's he up to?
(He grabbed a trench coat and followed Dominic to Dublin, careful to keep himself hidden)
(EXT. DUBLIN – DAY. Walter followed Dominic as he had his portrait painted by a street artist. Finally, Dominic entered a garden gnome warehouse)
(INT. GARDEN GNOME WAREHOUSE – DAY. Creeping into the warehouse, Walter saw Dominic sitting with two men. Walter hid behind a corner, but close enough so he could hear what was being said)
DOMINIC: Gentlemen. I need this review to go into Friday's paper. Super positive. Five stars.
Irish Journalist: I won't be paid off for a review. I'm a journalist. I'm joking, of course. Cash or credit?
(Walter tries to get closer, accidentally knocking over the garden gnome statue. The three men looked back while Walter poses the statue)
Irish Journalist: What was that?
Dominic: Rats. Who cares?
(He handed the man a suitcase full of cash. Then he turned to the other man, a theater manager)
Dominic: Hand these tickets out to anyone who will take one. In fact, you may have to actually pay people to come.
(He slid another suitcase of cash to the theater manager)
(Walter covered his mouth so they wouldn't hear his gasp!)
Theater Manager: It's the Muppets. It's not gonna be easy.
Dominic: Mmm. Oh. And I want a standing ovation.
(He slid a third suitcase of cash over to the men)
Irish Journalist: Oh, dear.
Walter: (to himself) Where does he keep all those suitcases?
(INT. FOZZIE'S TRAIN CAR, TOUR TRAIN – DAY. While Fozzie was munching on his sandwich, he read a newspaper. On the front page, it read: EUROPE'S MOST WANTED FROG: CONSTANTINE, BACK BEHIND THE BARS)
FOZZIE: Hmm. Let's see here.
(The guacamole is dropped from the sandwich and into Kermit's picture)
Fozzie: What's Kermit doing on the cover of this newspaper?
(He wiped the guacamole off of the picture. Fozzie SCREAMS! I knew it! He thought)
(Walter barged into Fozzie's train car)
Walter: (PANTING) Oh! Ow! Dominic's the bad guy! Dominic's the bad guy! Fozzie! Dominic's the reason we've been selling out our shows! He's been giving away tickets and bribing journalists to write great reviews!
Fozzie: (GROANS) Why didn't we ever think of doing that?
(He saw Walter's horrified look)
Walter: Huh?
Fozzie: I mean, that's terrible!
Walter: The question is, why? And could it have anything to do with why Kermit's been acting so weird lately?
Fozzie: Hey, wanna see something funny?
Walter: Yes, Constantine, the world's most dangerous frog. Fozzie, what does he have to do with what I just told you?
Fozzie: Nothing, but check this out. A-ha!
(He put his finger over the mole on Constantine's picture)
Walter: Oh, look, it's Kermit.
FOZZIE: A-ha!
(He removed his finger from Constantine's picture)
Walter: (SHRIEKS) What did you do with Kermit?
(Suddenly, Walter had a thought)
Walter: Wait a minute. Fozzie... What if Kermit has been replaced by this Constantine guy?
(Fozzie considered it. Then he frowned)
Fozzie: Nah, that's impossible. We'd all notice! Wouldn't we?
(INT. OFFICE, TOUR TRAIN – DAY. Just to make sure, he and Walter knocked on Kermit's door)
Walter: Kermit? Are... Are you there? Hello?
FOZZIE: Kermit?
(There was no answer)
Fozzie: Everything's fine. Let's get out of here.
(He was scared and certainly didn't want to find out that their suspicions might be right)
(But Walter held on to Fozzie)
Walter: Wait!
Fozzie: Whoa!
Walter: We should look around.
(They entered the room. Fozzie went left; Walter went right. Fozzie opened a suitcase–it was full of bombs!)
Fozzie: Huh. Kermit's got a big bomb collection.
(Fozzie noticed a portrait on the table labeled "Madrid Prado Museum Heist")
Fozzie: Looks like he's planning some sort of comedy heist bit.
Walter: I hope not. Those never work.
Fozzie: Mmm.
(Walter notices something on a table)
WALTER: What's that?
(He headed over to a table and discovered a tub of green makeup)
Walter: (GASPS) Oh, no.
Fozzie: What, what, what? What?
Walter: Oh, no.
(Walter stuck his finger in the makeup and put it over the mole in the newspaper photo. He and Fozzie looked at each other)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Fozzie: We got to get out of here!
Walter: Yeah!
(Fozzie and Walter turned to see Constantine standing at the door)
Constantine: Not so fast.
Walter: Where's Kermit?
Fozzie: What do you want?
Constantine: You have wocka-ed your last wocka, bear.
(Was this the end for Fozzie and Walter?)
(Suddenly, Animal came out of nowhere and tackled Constantine)
Animal: Bad frog!
FOZZIE: Animal! Oh, good boy!
Walter: Great job!
Animal: Thank you.
(But it wasn't over yet, Constantine woke up and put jaws in his mouth)
(On a nearby track, a freight train trundled past. Walter spotted it)
Walter: Quick! The freight train!
(He and Fozzie jumped, with Animal following behind. They all landed safely)
(INT. FREIGHT TRAIN – DAY. As the two trains became farther away, Walter looked back and saw Constantine looking menacingly at them)
Fozzie: We got to go back! Warn the others!
Walter: I tried. Thy didn't believe me. It's our word against his and, well, he's fooled them all.
(Fozzie thought for a moment)
Fozzie: Should we go to the police?
(Walter shook his head)
Walter: We don't have any evidence! (SIGHING) I feel terrible. I'm the one who talked Kermit into doing this tour in the first place.
Fozzie: Oh, I wish Kermit was here! He would know what to do.
(Walter looked up, then stood, suddenly determined)
Walter: You're right. There's only one guy in this world who can save us. Only one frog who can restore order, bring justice, and set things right!
Fozzie: (unsure) You are talking about Kermit, right?
Walter: Yes, Fozzie. Kermit.
(INT. STAGE, GULAG 38B – DAY. Kermit auditioned and cast for the Gulag Revue)
Kermit: Turn, turn, out, in, jump, step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch. Got it? From the top. A-five, six, seven, eight.
Prisoners (All): (SINGING) God, I hope I get it
I hope I get it
How many people does he need?
How many people does he need?
God, I hope I get it
I hope I get it
How many boys, how many girls?
How many boys, how many?
Look at all the people
At all the people
MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISONER: How many people does he need?
How many boys, how many girls?
How many people does he...
DANNY TREJO: I really need this job
Please, God, I need this job
I've got to get this job
Kermit: Good! Great! That's it, guys, that's it! That's good, guys! Come on! And hit it hard!
(Next is Nadya's turn)
Nadya: (SINGING) I really need this job
Please, God, I need this job
I've got to get this job
(The prisoners improved)
Kermit: Okay. All right. Yes. (CLEARS THROAT) Uh, Nadya? I think perhaps we should perhaps, keep it prisoners only.
Nadya: Of course. I just love Broadway. But you are right, Kermit, as ever.
Kermit: Oaky. Thank you. (CLEARS THROAT) Okay, fellas, listen up. Here's who made the cut. Sergei! King! That's you.
(INT. OFFICE, GULAG 38B – DAY. He didn't know it, but Nadya had a locker full of Kermit pictures and memorabilia)
Nadya: You are always right, my beautiful amphibian prince. I will never let you go.
(INT. OFFICE, TOUR TRAIN – DAY. While Fozzie, Walter, and Animal set off to find Kermit, Constantine sat in his train compartment. He was fuming. And knitting)
Constantine: This is better.
(Dominic stopped by and immediately knew something was up)
Dominic: Oh... What's wrong? You only ever knit when you're stressed.
(Constantine stopped knitting an incredibly long scarf)
CONSTANTINE: The bear, the little guy and their dog, they are onto us. They got away.
(Dominic tensed up)
Dominic: How are we gonna spin this?
(It didn't take them long to come up with a plan...)
(INT. STAGE, DUBLIN THEATRE, DUBLIN – DAY (14:17). Later that day, Constantine and Dominic stood before the Muppets)
CONSTANTINE: Comrades, I'm afraid I have bad news. Walter and Fonzie had quit the Muppets.
(The Muppets couldn't believe it)
LEW ZEALAND: Wait. You can quit the Muppets?
(Rowlf thought that didn't make any sense)
Rowlf: Wait a second. Walter quit the Muppets? We just did a whole movie where he joined the Muppets.
Floyd: Yeah, we sure spent a lot of time on it.
RIZZO: Ha! I'll say. Maybe even at the expense of other long-standing, beloved Muppets. Come on, Robin.
(Rizzo walks off, with the long-standing, beloved Muppet frog, ROBIN, who is Kermit the Frog's nephew following him behind)
Robin: (SIGHS) Coming.
(Constantine tried to wrap up the discussion)
Constantine: Well, as the old saying goes… The show must continue, in a timely fashion.
GONZO: Wait. Fozzie and Walter are part of our family. We can't let them go without a fight. Right, Kermit?
(Constantine made a very dramatic sigh)
Constantine: I know this is hard, Gonzo. Walter and Fonzie were my best friends.
MISS PIGGY: Kermit… Are you sure you're okay?
Constantine: Yes, I'm fine, pig. I could never lose you. You complete me.
Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermie.
DOMINIC: Guys, come on! This is gonna be fantastic. We should be celebrating!
Constantine: Yes. Remember, I can give you what you want.
Dominic: Yeah?
Rowlf: Yeah, right.
(The Muppets disperse)
Link Hogthrob: I'll keep that in mind.
Floyd: Say, has anyone seen Animal?
(EXT. LANDSCAPES – DAY/NIGHT. Fozzie, Walter, and Animal trudged through rugged, snowy mountains, searching for Kermit. It was so cold Animal had icicles hanging from his fur. Then they trudged through a blazing-hot desert. Then snow. Then desert again)
Fozzie: Does anybody else feel like we're traveling in circles?
(Before the others could answer, Walter shouted)
Walter: There it is!
(He pointed to a neon sign that read GULAG. THIS WAY)
Fozzie: Finally!
(INT. STAGE, DUBLIN THEATRE – NIGHT (20:14). The Muppets are in the middle of the show. Scooter and the penguins sing "Moves Like Jagger")
Scooter: (with penguins) (SINGING) Take me by the tongue
And I'll know you
Kiss me by the cheek
And I'll show you
All the moves like Jagger
I've got the moves like Jagger
I've got the...
(INT. VAULT, IRISH NATIONAL BANK – NIGHT. Constantine finally left the stage and met up with Dominic the vault)
(Dominic wasn't really buying the story, but he didn't say anything. He finished applying explosives around an unusually large, antique safe-deposit box labeled T. BLOOD)
Constantine: Do you have evidence to frame the bear?
(Dominic held up a rubber chicken, one of Fozzie's props)
Constantine: Excellent. Where are the guards?
(INT. STAGE, DUBLIN THEATRE – NIGHT. The ballerina, who is played by the show's guest star, Saoirse Ronan, performed the "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy." The leprechaun guards laughed out. Sam the Eagle and Jean Pierre watches from behind with the audience. Sam the Eagle knew there was something going on in the vault)
Sam the Eagle: Stay here. I'm going to check on the vault.
Jean Pierre: Oui.
(The two Mutations jackhammered)
Saoirse Ronan: Whoa! Whoa! Stop it!
(INT. VAULT, IRISH NATIONAL BANK – NIGHT. BOOM! The box blew open. Once the smoke cleared, Thomas Blood's skeleton fell out! Constantine and Dominic screamed. Then they noticed that the locket was around the skeleton's neck and that the skeleton was clutching the locket with both bony hands)
DOMINIC: Colonel Blood's locket.
Constantine: Of course. Now grab it.
(They each tried to pry out the locket until they heard a noise)
SAM THE EAGLE: Shawn.
Constantine: Someone's coming. Abort!
(Then he yanked hard on the locket, finally detaching it from the skeleton, and the pair ran out)
(Sam the Eagle, who had left the Muppets' show to check on the bank vault, stepped into the light. When he saw a shadowy figure in the distance, his knew his suspicions were right. He pulled out his walkie-talkie and radioed Jean Pierre)
Sam the Eagle: I think I just saw something. It's headed back towards the theater!
(INT. STAGE, DUBLIN THEATRE – NIGHT. Miss Piggy is in the middle of her Celine Dion song)
Miss Piggy: (SINGING) Near, far
Wherever you are...
(INT. BACKSTAGE, DUBLIN THEATRE – NIGHT. Constantine and Dominic safety returned backstage at the theater)
Dominic: That was close.
Constantine: Too close. We need to move to final phase three. "Wedding."
(INT. STAGE, DUBLIN THEATRE – NIGHT.)
Miss Piggy: You're here
(INT. BACKSTAGE, DUBLIN THEATRE – NIGHT. Constantine headed toward the stage–even though the show was still going on)
Scooter: Hey, Kermit, you can't go out there. It's Piggy's Celine Dion number.
(Constantine didn't let that stop him. He grabbed Scooter's arm and flipped him over his shoulder with best karate move)
(INT. STAGE, DUBLIN THEATRE – NIGHT.)
Miss Piggy: And I know that my heart will...
(Sam the Eagle returned to the seat)
Sam the Eagle: Did you see anything?
Jean Pierre: Not a thing. It is my lunch hour. It lasts six hours.
(Constantine marched onto the stage and faced the audience)
Constantine: Excuse me. Ladies and gentlemen! I have an announcement!
Miss Piggy: What?
(The music stopped playing)
MISS PIGGY: Kermit, I'm in the middle of a song here!
Constantine: (to Miss Piggy) Miss Piggy. I have very important question for you.
Miss Piggy: Yeah? What are you doing?
(The audience woke up)
Constantine: Do you wish to become Mrs. Piggy? Or rather, Mrs. The Frog?
(He held up the ring)
(Miss Piggy started to tremble)
Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermie, I thought you'd never ask. I really thought you'd never ask!
Constantine: So? What do you say?
Jean Pierre: (WHISPERING) It's beautiful.
Miss Piggy: (SCREAMS) Yes! Yes! Of course! Yes! I can't believe this! After all this time, it was finally just so easy!
(The audience broke into wild applause)
(Constantine turned to the audience)
Constantine: (to the audience) That right, folks, it's the Muppet wedding the world has been waiting for. We're putting our tour on hold...
Muppets (All): What?
Constantine: (to the audience) ...to be married in two days' time at the world's most romantic location, the Tower of London.
(It didn't take long before the news was announced)
(INT. MUPPET NEWS FLASH)
Newsman: Here's a Muppet newsflash. The years of waiting are over. The biggest "Will they, won't they?" of all times has been answered with a firm, "They will." Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy are to be married! That's right, folks. They're finally tying the knot.
(INT. VAULT, IRISH NATIONAL BANK, DUBLIN, IRELAND – NIGHT (20:43). The leprechauns and the security guard enter the vault)
Leprechaun Security Guard 1: Well, at least they didn't get the pot of gold.
Leprechaun Security Guard 2: No, they did not.
(Sam the Eagle walked through the Irish National Bank vault, shaking his feathered head)
Sam the Eagle: I have never been to a more ridiculous crime scene.
(Under some rubble, Jean Pierre spotted a rubber chicken)
Jean Pierre: (GASPS) The comedian bear, he was here.
(At that precise moment, Sam the Eagle discovered a coin)
SAM THE EAGLE: The Lemur. He, too, was here.
(He looked at Jean Pierre)
Sam the Eagle: Could the comedian bear and the Lemur be one and the same?
Jean Pierre: The comedian bear is the Lemur. That is brilliant.
Sam the Eagle: But why would he steal a bunch of old bones?
Jean Pierre: The bones apparently belonged to one Colonel Thomas Blood. He was the only man to ever nearly steal the Crown Jewels of England.
Sam the Eagle: Wait! Where did the frog say he was getting married?
Jean Pierre: The Tower of London.
Sam the Eagle & Jean Pierre (Both): The comedian bear is planning on stealing the Crown Jewels!
Sam the Eagle: (SIGHS)
(It typed: LONDON, ENGLAND. 15:45. HOME OF THE CROWN JEWELS AND GOOD MANNERS)
(INT. TOWER OF LONDON – DAY. It also didn't take long before the Muppets had some questions. They gathered together and found Constantine)
Scooter: Hey, chief.
Constantine: Hi-lo.
Scooter: Uh, we've all been thinking, and... Well, after you and Miss Piggy get married, what's gonna happen to the tour?
Gonzo: And to us?
(Constantine faced them and made himself sound upbeat)
Constantine: Well, now you guys have all the freedom you want. You don't need me. I'm done with Muppets.
Gonzo: Huh?
(ALL GASP)
Constantine: But, hey, it's been a good run, right? Hmm? Good luck.
(Constantine walked away)
FLOYD: Kermit!
(The Muppets looked at one another, stunned)
Rowlf: Did he just say what I thought he said?
Scooter: What are we gonna do without Kermit?
(Floyd shrugged)
Floyd: The only thing we can do. Pack up, go to the wedding, and head back home.
(EXT. MISS PIGGY'S ROOM, TOWER OF LONDON – DAY. Miss Piggy and Foo-Foo sat in the mirror)
Miss Piggy: Oh, Foo-Foo, it's always been a fight. But this is so easy, it just doesn't feel right.
Foo-Foo: (WHIMPERING)
Miss Piggy: (SINGING) This is my dream come true
The day has come for us to say "I do"
There's nowhere else I'd rather be
Nothing in the world means more to me than you
I've waited so patiently, I knew you were the only frog for me
Always knew this day would come
It's written in the stars, it's destiny
So how can something so right feel so wrong tonight?
After all we've been through, why do I feel I don't know you?
Miss Piggy & Kermit: We'll settle down and start a family
Have a mini you and a mini me
A little pink frog and a little green piggy
They'll learn to say hello and say goodbye
We'll grow grey and old, and live the quiet life
Just you and I
Hand in hand we'll stay together
Forever and ever
Miss Piggy & Celine Dion: So how can something so right feel so wrong tonight?
After all we've been through, why do I feel I don't know you?
(In the room, the Muppets are packing things up for their trip back home)
Dr. Teeth: How can something so right feel so wrong inside?
Floyd: How can something so good, leave me feeling so bad?
Pepé: How can my dreams coming true, leave me lonely and blue?
Lew Zealand: How come the happiest day of my life is so sad?
Rowlf: How can I feel the high when I feel so low?
Scooter: After all we've been through after coming so far
Link Hogthrob: Is this my destiny?
Beaker: Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi-mi
Miss Piggy & Celine Dion: Where is the love that's written in the stars?
All: So how can something so right feel so wrong tonight?
Miss Piggy: After all we've been through, why do I feel I don't know you?
(Miss Piggy looked at the picture of Kermit and Miss Piggy)
Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermie.
(INT. STAGE, GULAG 38B – NIGHT. Prisoners, guards, and Nadya the warden were packed inside a makeshift theater. There was a dingy curtain made from prison blankets, and four flashlights taped together for a spotlight. The light pointed at Kermit)
Kermit: Lady and gentlemen, good evening and welcome to the Gulag Annual Revue Show!
(The guards clapped politely from the audience as the music began)
(INT. BACKSTAGE, GULAG 38B – NIGHT. Kermit told the prisoners)
Kermit: Escapo, you're up after the ballet.
(Fozzie, Walter, and Animal peered in)
Walter: Kermit! Kermit! Psst!
Animal: Kermit.
(Kermit looked under his desk and was quite surprised)
Kermit: Fozzie. Walter. Animal.
Fozzie: We're here to rescue you.
Walter: Yes! And we've got to go right now!
(Kermit checked that the coast was clear)
(EXT. GULAG 38B – NIGHT. He led them outside where they could talk, even though it was freezing cold)
(Kermit was ecstatic to see his friends)
Kermit: Hey! I can't believe you're here. I's so good to see you guys!
(Fozzie put his hand on Kermit's shoulder)
Fozzie: Kermit, listen. An evil frog named Constantine has taken over the Muppets and replaced you!
Kermit: What? Constantine replaced me?
WALTER: Yeah. And he was working together with Dominic. They're planning something terrible, but we don't know what.
Kermit: But... How could you not have noticed that he'd replaced me, Fozzie?
Fozzie: He looked like you and he talked like you. Okay, he didn't talk that much like you, come to think of it. But he said he had a cold.
Animal: Animal know.
Kermit: "Animal know"?
Animal: Mmm-hmm.
(Kermit couldn't believe what he was hearing)
Kermit: You mean, all this time, I've been locked in a Russian gulag, no one, not one single person from the Muppets except Animal noticed I'd been replaced by an evil criminal mastermind?
(Fozzie grimaced)
Fozzie: It sounds worse than it was.
Walter: No. It's as bad as it sounds.
Kermit: (SIGHS) I thought you guys had forgotten about me. That you didn't need me anymore.
Fozzie: We'd never forget about you.
Walter: We need you more than ever, Kermit.
Animal: Good frog.
(Suddenly, a Gulag newspaper truck wheeled past them)
Newspaper Girl: Late extra! Late extra! Read all about it! Kermit and Miss Piggy to be married in London!
(A bundle of newspapers was tossed to the ground. Kermit and the others could see the headline: KIND OF ROYAL WEDDING AT TOWER OF LONDON: KERMIT TO MARRY PIGGY TOMORROW AT 3 PM)
WALTER: What?
ANIMAL: Uh-oh.
Kermit: Piggy? Piggy's gonna marry the world's most dangerous frog tomorrow? Piggy and the gang are in danger! To London!
Animal, Walter and Fozzie (All): No. Kermit!
(There was only one problem: They were stuck inside the Gulag!)
Kermit: Oh, yeah, I forget. I'm in a gulag. Sorry about that, Ivan!
Ivan: It's okay! No problem, Kermit. It's easy mistake.
Kermit: Right. Thanks for not shooting me!
Ivan: Sure. No problem... Hey, nothing personal.
Kermit: We have to escape, guys. Tonight!
(Fozzie, Walter, and Animal looked at one another)
FOZZIE: But how?
(Just then, a prisoner with a large burlap sack walked up to them)
Prisoner: Kermit. Do you know where these prop pick axes and shovels are supposed to go for this big mining number?
KERMIT: Uh...
(Walter noticed a toolshed. Inside, he and the others found real axes, tools, and shovels)
Walter: Wait! I've got it!
(A plan began to form...)
(INT. STAGE, GULAG 38B – NIGHT. A short while later, Kermit was back inside and took to the stage)
KERMIT: And now, folks, the Great Escapo!
(A prisoner named ESCAPO shuffled onto the stage in manacles and cuffs. He tried to escape them...and succeeded! The guards applauded wildly as Escapo ran through the audience toward the exit)
(Nadya stood up)
Nadya: Oh, no, you don't.
(She shot Escapo with her stun gun)
Nadya: Nice try, Escapo.
(INT. BACKSTAGE, GULAG 38B – NIGHT. Kermit saw what had happened, and now he was nervous)
Kermit: I sure hope this works, Walter. I have tried a lot of ways to get out of here.
Walter: This is gonna work, Kermit. I'll see you on the outside.
Kermit: Okay!
Walter: Gosh, I hope this works.
(INT. STAGE, GULAG 38B – NIGHT. Kermit walked back onstage to huge applause)
Kermit: Oh, thank you, thank you, everybody. And now, we're going underground. Working in the coal mine!
(The famous tune began playing)
Prisoners (All): Workin' in a coal mine, goin' down, down, down
Workin' in a coal mine, whoop, about to slip down
Five o'clock in the mornin', I'm all ready up and gone
Lord I am so tired, how long can this go on?
That I'm workin' in a coal mine, goin' down, down, down
Workin' in a coal mine, whoops, about to slip down
Workin' in a coal mine, goin' down, down, down
Workin' in a coal mine, whoops, about to slip down
Lord I am so tired,
Workin' in a coal mine, goin' down, down, down
Workin' in a coal mine, whoops, about to slip down
Workin' in a coal mine, goin' down, down, down
Workin' in a coal mine, whoop, about to slip down
In the coal mine
(Suddenly, the music stopped. The stage was empty and the curtain fell. Nadya and the guards gave the performers a standing ovation)
Crowd: Bravo! Bravo!
Nadya: Bravo!
(The curtain rose, and the stage was still completely empty. At that moment, Nadya realized what had happened. She had been tricked!)
Nadya: Oh, no. Kermie!
(EXT. GULAG 38B – NIGHT. The truck drove out of the Gulag)
WALTER: I can't believe that worked!
KERMIT: We did it! Great work, guys! Now put the pedal to the metal. We have a wedding to crash!
All: Yeah!
(INT. ENTRANCE, TOWER OF LONDON – DAY (14:33). It was a bright morning, perfect for a wedding, as guests entered the waiting line at the Tower of London. Crowds gathered as policemen with dogs patrolled the surrounding streets)
FOZZIE: That's a nice venue.
(Nearby, Kermit, Walter, Fozzie, and Animal looked out from the truck they'd stolen from the Gulag)
(Kermit frowned)
KERMIT: The main entrance is too well-guarded. I'm gonna need to get in some other way.
(He scanned the area and noticed a service entrance, where caterers and florists were making deliveries)
Florist: Here you go.
(Quickly, Kermit got in line to pick up a flower bouquet)
Florist: You're the new guy?
Kermit: Yes, I am.
Florist: Next time, wear a uniform.
Kermit: Right.
(He took the flowers and hid behind the bouquet as he made his way inside the Tower. Everything looked good)
(INT. HALLWAY, TOWER OF LONDON – DAY. Kermit opened a side door and let in Fozzie, Animal, and Walter)
Fozzie: Wow, Kermit, you were like James Bond back there.
Kermit: Thanks, Fozzie. Okay, listen, guys. Walter, you and Animal go look in the chapel.
Walter: Right.
Kermit: Fozzie, come with me.
Fozzie: Yes, sir.
Kermit: Good luck, guys.
Walter: You too, Kermit.
(The two groups split up)
(INT. CONSTANTINE'S ROOM, TOWER OF LONDON – DAY. Fozzie and Kermit headed for Miss Piggy's dressing room. But she wasn't there. So they headed to the groom's dressing room)
KERMIT: Piggy?
(But she wasn't in there, either)
Kermit: Where is she?
(Fozzie noticed)
Fozzie: Kermit, these are your clothes.
(He reached for one but slipped, knocking over a full-length mirror. It fell and shattered!)
Kermit: Shh!
CONSTANTINE: This tuxedo is too tight.
Kermit: Someone's coming! Hide! Hide!
(Fozzie dropped to the ground and pretended to be a bear rug)
CONSTANTINE: Which room am I supposed to be in? Ah, here it is.
(Kermit picked up the frame from the mirror and put it back on its stand–just as Constantine walked through the dressing room door)
(Kermit noticed that Constantine was wearing a tux and quickly put on one himself)
Constantine: I hate weddings.
(He looked in the mirror. But the mirror wasn't there! Instead, Kermit imitated each movement. When Constantine looked left, Kermit looked the same direction. When Constantine combed his hair, Kermit combed his own. When Constantine put on a hat, Kermit grabbed a hat that didn't match. But Constantine wasn't tipped off. He leaned close to the "mirror" to inspect the hat. Kermit moved closer, too. Their noses almost touched. Constantine was about to say something when Dominic walked through the door)
Constantine: Ah. There you are. Well, don't just stand there gawping, Number Two. Come in.
(Dominic took a step forward)
Constantine: Let us take this convenient opportunity to review our plans. Hmm? Once you've stolen the Crown Jewels and framed the Muppets, ring the tower bell five times and we will rendezvous on the roof.
Dominic: But what will you do when you're married? Because the pig will know everything.
Constantine: Once she's served her purpose, kaboom. It will be bacon for breakfast. (LAUGHING EVILLY)
(The champagne delivery man arrived)
Delivery Man: Champagne fridge delivery.
Constantine: Put it over there on the bear-skin rug.
(They moved the champagne fridge and putted it right on top of Fozzie!)
FOZZIE: Ooh!
Constantine: Thank you! (to Dominic) It's show time.
(After Constantine and Dominic left, Kermit helped Fozzie up from the floor)
Kermit: Fozzie, are you okay?
Fozzie: (flat) Yeah, I think so. How do I look?
Kermit: You look fine. You look fine. Come on, we have to go rescue Miss Piggy!
Fozzie: Right! Let's go!
(INT. HALLWAY, TOWER OF LONDON – DAY. He and Fozzie ran out of the dressing room–and right into Sam the Eagle and Jean Pierre)
Jean Pierre: The Lemur! I have you finally!
(Sam the Eagle jumped in)
Sam the Eagle: And Constantine, the world's most dangerous frog!
Kermit: No, no, no.
Sam the Eagle: As you might say, case sol-ved!
(Jean Pierre has instantly changed into Breton beach clothes)
Jean Pierre: Perfect! Time for my annual eight-week paid vacation. Au revoir.
French Woman: Au revoir.
(As Jean Pierre left, Sam the Eagle shouted after him)
Sam the Eagle: No, wait! What am I supposed to do with them until the mobile holding unit arrives?
(But he didn't hear him)
Jean Pierre: On holiday!
(They were already in vacation mode. So Sam the Eagle had no choice...)
(EXT. TOWER OF LONDON – MOMENTS LATER. But to stuff Kermit and Fozzie into the tiny Le Maximum. He handcuffed them to the steering wheel so they wouldn't escape)
KERMIT: No, you've got the wrong frog.
Sam the Eagle: And stay there! Hmph!
(Sam the Eagle left)
(INT. HALLWAY, THE TOWER OF LONDON – DAY. Constantine and Dominic walked down a hallway)
Constantine: Oh, and so you know, Number Two, I have hired us help. The world's smallest team of jewel thieves.
(They stood a Muppet named BOBBY BENSON, surrounded by his band of babies)
Bobby Benson: Babies, meet your new boss.
Constantine: Genius, I know! Who would suspect babies of stealing Crown Jewels? Look at their sweet faces.
Babies: (BLOWING RASPBERRIES)
(EXT. CHAPEL, TOWER OF LONDON – DAY. Link Hogthrob finds the seats in the pews)
LINK HOGTHROB: Let's see. Where am I seated? I'll need an usher. Usher? Is there an Usher?
(The Usher appears beside him)
Usher: Yes. I'm the Usher. Pig or Frog?
Link Hogthrob: What do you think?
Usher: I don't know, man. Pig?
Link Hogthrob: No. Frog. I'm related through marriage. What kind of an usher are you?
Usher: (SIGHS)
(INT. HALLWAY, THE TOWER OF LONDON – DAY. Dominic and the Babies turned a corner and reached a dead end. Dominic looked at the map, confused. Then he brushed away some dirt on the wall, revealing an ancient-looking keyhole. He took out Thomas Blood's key, put it in the hole, and turned it slowly. Down by his legs, a small hidden doorway opened)
Dominic: You're up, little dudes.
Baby Boss: Go, go, go.
(The Babies crawled down the dusty, cobwebbed passage. It was clear they had done this kind of thing before as they moved in strict formation. One of them made a hand signal and popped out a stone block. Then they threw down a rope made of baby blankets. One by one, and in complete silence, they climbed down into the lobby where the Crown Jewels were kept)
(Once the Babies were all in the lobby, they crawled toward the front door. The door's lock was far above their heads. What to do? They quickly formed a baby pyramid, and the top baby opened the lock. Dominic was on the other side of the door. Once he heard the click of the lock, he dashed inside, closing the door behind them)
(EXT. TOWER OF LONDON – DAY. The two friends were still handcuffed inside Le Maximum. They could hear Big Ben chime. It was three o'clock)
Kermit: The wedding, it's starting.
(He notices that Miss Piggy is wearing her wedding gown)
Kermit: She looks beautiful.
(Things were getting worse)
Kermit: Fozzie, we got to do something.
Fozzie: Oh, this is so frustrating!
(In protest, he banged his foot on the floor of the car–and his foot went right through!)
Fozzie: Wow, would you look at that? Now that's a poorly made car.
(Kermit looked down and pushed both his feet through the floor)
Kermit: Let's get out of here!
(Through the car's now-open floor, the pair used their feet and "walked" the car closer to the Tower)
(INT. CHAPEL, TOWER OF LONDON – DAY. Constantine waited at the altar. As the "The Wedding March" played on the organ, Miss Piggy walked down the aisle toward him, looking nervous)
(The organ was played by UNCLE DEADLY. BOBO THE BEAR watched him play)
Bobo: (SOBBING) I'm just happy for them. Really happy for them.
Uncle Deadly: Would you please stop talking?
Bobo: Okay. (SNIFFLES) (BLOWS NOSE)
(The vicar stepped up in front of them)
Beefeater Vicar: Dearly beloved...
(EXT. TOWER OF LONDON – DAY. Sam the Eagle was still standing guard until he spotted Kermit and Fozzie fleeing)
Sam the Eagle: What! (yelling into his radio) Code Red! Code Red!
(INT. TOWER OF LONDON – DAY. A different Baby tossed a sack of dust in the air, revealing a terrifying spiderweb of security lasers)
Dominic: Oh, come on. Not a laser web.
BABY: Ooh, pretty.
Dominic: Right. Go and get the suspend-y ropey thing. And my really cool skintight outfit.
Baby Boss: Yep.
(EXT. TOWER OF LONDON – DAY. Sam the Eagle was trying to reach Jean Pierre)
Sam the Eagle: Shawn, come back from vacation! Constantine and the Lemur have escaped. The Crown Jewels are in danger!
(INT. TOWER OF LONDON – DAY. The Babies did what they they were told, and soon Dominic was all decked out in his special outfit. Attached to a wire from above, he elegantly danced through the web of lasers, careful not to set one off)
(INT. CHAPEL, TOWER OF LONDON – DAY. The vicar continued)
Beefeater Vicar: we are gathered here today to witness the union of this pig and this frog in Holy Matrimony before the presence of God.
(Miss Piggy looked at Constantine; he just looked at his watch)
(INT. TOWER OF LONDON – DAY. When he was at last in front of the Crown Jewels, he fit Blood's locket into an ancient coat of arms in the wall. There was a whirring and a clicking...then...silence)
(Then all the glass cases holding the jewels opened! Dominic dropped down next to the Crown Jewels)
(INT. CHAPEL, TOWER OF LONDON – DUSK. The wedding was stilling going on as the vicar continued)
Beefeater Vicar: Do you, Kermit the Frog, take Miss Piggy to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, so help you God?
Constantine: Yes. Yes, I do.
Beefeater Vicar: And do you, Miss Piggy...
Miss Piggy: Hmm?
Beefeater Vicar: ...take Kermit the Frog to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, so help you God?
(Miss Piggy hesitated)
Miss Piggy: I...
Muppets: (leaning forward) (ALL GASP)
Miss Piggy: I...
Muppets: (leaning forward) (ALL GASP)
(HOBO JOE eats a bag of popcorn, eager to hear her say, "I do.")
Constantine: (WHISPERING) Just say "I do." This is what you've always wanted, right?
Miss Piggy: I do?
Beefeater Vicar: I'm sorry, is that a question?
Constantine: No, it was not a question.
(Down below, Kermit, Fozzie, and Walter think of something to stop the wedding)
Kermit: We have to do something, guys.
Walter: Kermit, we've got to get you close to Miss Piggy!
(Fozzie noticed the lever)
Fozzie: Huh. What does this do?
(He pulled the lever)
(On top, a trapdoor in the floor opened (thanks to Fozzie!), and Constantine fell through. Kermit then took Constantine's place at the altar)
Miss Piggy: What the...
Kermit: Piggy, it's me, Kermit. Come on, we have to get out of here! The wedding is off.
(On the pews, Janice exclaimed)
Janice: Oh, wow! Like, I kind of knew he'd get cold flippers.
(Back underground, Constantine gets to his feet and glared at Fozzie, Walter, and Animal)
Fozzie: Huh? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Excuse us.
(They ran for their lives)
(Back on top, Kermit reached for Miss Piggy's hand, but she recoiled)
Miss Piggy: No, Kermit! What are you doing?
(She thought Kermit was getting cold feet)
Kermit: Piggy, I will explain later.
Miss Piggy: I cannot believe...
(Just then, a small door in the altar opened up, and a green hand reached out)
CONSTANTINE: Come here, frog!
(It grabbed Kermit and pulled him through the opening)
Miss Piggy: Where you going?
(Then Constantine took Kermit's place)
Constantine: (bowing) I'm sorry, my dear, forgive me.
MISS PIGGY: What is going on at my wedding?
(Suddenly, Walter swung through the air on a rope. He picked up Constantine and dropped him into a net on the rafters)
WALTER: Animal, pull!
(Animal pulled on a rope–now Constantine was trapped)
CONSTANTINE: What is happening here?
Animal: Catch froggie! Catch froggie!
Hobo Joe: Well, this is the best Muppet wedding ever!
(Kermit reappeared through a side door and ran toward Miss Piggy)
Kermit: Piggy, listen! That's not me! I'm me!
(Constantine chewed through the net)
Kermit: He's Constantine, the world's most dangerous...
(Miss Piggy spun around and saw Constantine fall directly on top of Kermit)
(Miss Piggy gasped as she stared at the two frogs)
(The Muppets in the pews gasped, too)
Scooter: Two Kermits? Well, that explains a lot.
(Miss Piggy looked at the two love interests, her mind reeling)
Miss Piggy: How can there be two Kermits? Of all the ways to ruin a wedding, this has got to be the most creative. Two Kermits!
(Kermit stepped forward)
KERMIT: No, just one Kermit. Me.
(Miss Piggy stared at Kermit, wondering if it was really him)
CONSTANTINE: No, no, no. Do not listen to him! I am the real Kermit.
KERMIT: That's ridiculous! I am Kermit the Frog!
CONSTANTINE: No, I am Kermit the Frog! Hi-lo, Kermit the Frog, here.
KERMIT: "Hi-lo?" It's "Hi-ho!"
Miss Piggy: Would every Kermit be quiet!
Kermit & Constantine (Both): Huh?
Miss Piggy: Well, there's only one sure way to settle this.
(Miss Piggy turned to Constantine and in a very businesslike tone)
Miss Piggy: First Kermit. Will you marry me?
CONSTANTINE: Yes of course, let's go! The helicopter is waiting, my love!
(Miss Piggy turned to Kermit)
Miss Piggy: And you, the other Kermit... Will you marry me?
KERMIT: (STAMMERING) Well, I mean, I... I would. I mean, I could. It's...
(Miss Piggy smiled)
Miss Piggy: That's my Kermit!
(She covered him with kisses as the crowd broke out in applause)
DR. TEETH: That's our frog!
Miss Piggy: (kissing Kermit) Kissy-kissy!
(All of a sudden, the tower bell began to ring. Constantine knew that was a signal from Dominic)
(He wiped off the green makeup to reveal a real mole on his lip and stepped forward)
Constantine: That is right, Muppets! I am Constantine, the world's most dangerous frog and number one criminal! And a thousand times more frog than this Kermit person!
(The Muppets looked stunned)
Constantine: And now, I have only one thing to say to you fools!
(He pulled out a detonator that looked like a TV remote and say in his best Kermit voice)
Constantine: Good night, folks!
(Pushing a button, he activated it. A beep, beep, beep started sounding from somewhere in the chapel)
Constantine: Yay!
Scooter: What is that?
Kermit: It's a bomb!
(The Muppets frantically searched for the bomb inside the Tower chapel)
(Bunsen had an idea)
Bunsen: This is where my patented magnetic bomb-attractor vest can aid us, that Beaker is conveniently wearing.
Beaker: (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
(Bunsen hit a button, and the magnetic bomb-attractor vest Beaker wore began to hum)
Miss Piggy: What? What's going on?
(She, pulled by the ring on her finger, flew toward the vest and became attached)
(Beep, beep, beep went the bomb)
Kermit: Wait! Miss Piggy's ring is the bomb!
(Kermit yanked on the ring, but it wouldn't budge)
Kermit: Some of you guys grab Piggy, and some of you guys grab me.
(The Swedish Chef rushed over and started buttering Miss Piggy's finger, hoping that would help it slide off. Half of the Muppets pulled on Miss Piggy, the other half pulled on Beaker. The beeps (and meeps) continued. Time was running out!)
(On the count of three, the Muppets pulled hard one last time. The ring came off Miss Piggy's finger with a pop!)
(Beaker fell backward and crashed through one of the chapel's stained glass windows)
Beaker: (SCREAMING)
(The vicar put his head in his hands)
Beefeater Vicar: That's only 800 years old.
Beaker: (EXCLAIMING)
(Beaker–and the ring–fell toward the Thames below. Once the bomb hit the water, it exploded harmlessly. Beaker wasn't hurt at all and rode the geyser of water created by the explosion)
(From the chapel window, all the Muppets cheered)
Bunsen: Nicely done, Beaker!
Beaker: (YELLING)
(Kermit looked around and noticed Miss Piggy was missing)
Miss Piggy: Kermit! Help!
Kermit: Piggy!
Miss Piggy: Help!
Kermit: She's on the roof!
(EXT. ROOF, TOWER OF LONDON – NIGHT. Sure enough, Constantine had tied Miss Piggy's hands together and dragged her to the roof)
Constantine: Shut up and keep moving, pig! You are my insurance policy!
(He leads her toward a waiting helicopter)
(Constantine opened the door to the helicopter. Already sitting inside was Dominic–proudly wearing a furry lemur outfit)
Constantine: Huh? Number Two, you look ridiculous. Why are you wearing that?
(Dominic ignored the insult)
Dominic: Because I am the Lemur. And the world's new number one criminal. That's right. This is where I double-cross you.
Constantine: First rule of double-cross. You don't announce the double-cross before you double-cross. It's not even a rule because it is so obvious.
(With a devilish grin, Constantine pressed a button on his remote and happily watched Dominic's seat, along with Dominic, eject sideways out of the helicopter)
Constantine: The Lemur is literally the worst bad guy name I have ever heard!
(Then, dragging Miss Piggy, he grabbed the Crown Jewels, jumped in the helicopter, and flipped on the rotors)
(Kermit and the other Muppets ran onto the roof just in time to see the helicopter start to lift off)
Fozzie: He's getting away! What are we gonna do?
(Kermit took charge)
Kermit: I'm gonna stop that helicopter.
(He ran toward it, with the Muppets following behind)
Walter: We're coming! Hang on, Miss Piggy!
Kermit: Jump!
(As the helicopter hovered in the air, the Muppets jumped to try and grab any part of it. They all missed and landed safety on the ground–except Kermit. He managed to grab hold of the helicopter)
Miss Piggy: (WHIMPERING)
Constantine: Shut up, pig!
(On the ground, the Muppets looked up)
Walter: Kermit!
Gonzo: We have to do something!
Kermit: (grabbing the helicopter) I got it!
Fozzie: There's only one way we can reach him up there! Muppet Ladder!
(Up in the sky, Constantine looked down to see Kermit holding on. Miss Piggy noticed, too)
Miss Piggy: Kermit!
(From below, the Muppets create something. Scooter climbs onto Link Hogthrob)
Scooter: (to the Swedish Chef) Come on up, Chef!
(Fozzie stepped on Floyd's hair)
Floyd: Watch the hair, bear.
(Even though he was barely holding on, Kermit adopted a brave tone)
Kermit: Give up, Constantine. I've got you now!
Constantine: Bad move, frog.
(He raised his foot and stomped down on one of Kermit's hands)
Miss Piggy: Kermit!
(Now Kermit was hanging on by only one hand)
(From below, Kermit heard a voice: It belonged to Gonzo)
Gonzo: Okay, Kermit, we're coming to get you.
(Gonzo and Scooter and Sweetums stand on one another's shoulders–they had made a Muppet Ladder!)
Gonzo: (to the Muppet Ladder) Now!
Muppet Ladder (All): Whoa!
(That was the signal for the other Muppets to hang on tight while Gonzo dived forward toward the helicopter. His hands fells short of the helicopter, but he latched on with his nose instead!)
Constantine: No, something's wrong. We're not moving.
(That helicopter wasn't going anywhere now!)
Constantine: You're ruining my getaway!
(While Constantine was distracted, Miss Piggy began to furiously rub her ropes on a sharp edge she spotted on a column in front of her)
(Up in the helicopter, Kermit was still hanging on to the helicopter)
Kermit: Hang on, Piggy! I'm coming!
Gonzo: (holding on to a helicopter) Go get 'em, Kermit!
(Kermit made it into the cockpit)
Miss Piggy: Kermie!
Constantine: Welcome aboard, Kermit.
(Constantine reloaded his gun. He aimed the barrel right at Kermit, who gulped)
Constantine: You don't know who you're dealing with. I am the world's most dangerous frog.
(At that moment, Miss Piggy finally cut through her ropes)
Miss Piggy: Oh, brother! You may be the world's most dangerous frog, but you're still a frog!
(She leaned forward and grabbed Constantine by the legs, smashing him left and right in the cockpit, making the gun fly out of his hands)
Miss Piggy: (a smash with each word) No one tricks me into marrying them and then hurts my Kermie!
(When she let go, Constantine swayed back and forth)
Constantine: What a woman!
Kermit: Yeah. My woman. And I believe this belongs to you.
(Then he pushed Constantine over with the gentlest of taps, causing the criminal to fall backward and crumple on the floor)
(Kermit turned to Miss Piggy)
Kermit: Well, I'm sorry I ruined the wedding.
Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermie. I'm so glad you did.
(She smiled and hugged him and they shared a kiss)
ROWLF: Okay. Can we get down now?
(The Muppet Ladder brought the helicopter down)
Kermit: We did it, guys!
(Once Kermit and Miss Piggy disembarked from the helicopter onto the chapel roof, they were met with cheers and whistles)
SCOOTER: What an action sequence!
LEW ZEALAND: You sure look pretty, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy: Thank you.
(Jean Pierre, Sam the Eagle, and the Tower guards hold Constantine and Dominic in custody)
Sam the Eagle: Congratulations, weirdos, you've saved the Crown Jewels!
(Jean Pierre was proud)
Jean Pierre: And you've caught my nemesis, the Lemur. (to Dominic) Look at his little costume. That's adorable!
Dominic: I'm not adorable.
Sam the Eagle: He is adorable.
(Constantine steps up)
Constantine: You're adorable! Did you make that kitty-cat outfit?
(Rowlf pointed to Dominic)
Rowlf: The bad guy is Dominic Badguy!
Muppets: (ALL GASP)
Jean Pierre: Well, mon ami, I guess this is where we say goodbye. You go your way, and I go mine. (SOBBING) Here comes the rain. Oh, boy. And I said I wasn't going to do this.
(Jean Pierre was heartbroken. Sam the Eagle doesn't like this)
Sam the Eagle: Oh, pull yourself together, man. Stop crying. We're only saying our final farewell. Goodbye, forever! (SOBBING)
(He was heartbroken too as he hugged him)
Sam the Eagle: I'm going to miss you so much! I'm going to miss you, my French friend.
(The Muppets looked disappointed)
(Dominic steps up)
Dominic: Whenever you're ready.
(Sam the Eagle and Jean Pierre were back to normal)
Sam the Eagle: Yes.
Jean Pierre: Yes, of course. Take them away!
Sam the Eagle: Take them away!
DOMINIC: Thank you.
(As the criminals were taken away, Jean Pierre looked at the Muppets)
Jean Pierre: Au revoir, Muppets.
Muppets: Bye-bye./See you!
(Jean Pierre noticed Sam the Eagle were busy ushering Constantine and Dominic away)
DOMINIC: (SINGING) You're number two
Jean Pierre: Sam.
CONSTANTINE: Shut up.
Jean Pierre: Sam! Wait for me!
(Kermit turned to Miss Piggy and the other Muppets)
Kermit: (SIGHS) You know, I missed all of you so much.
(A voice interrupted him. A Russian voice)
NADYA: There he is, right there!
(It was Nadya, leading a squad of guards)
Nadya: Arrest him! Arrest that frog!
(Kermit was shocked)
Kermit: Nadya? Wait. For what?
Nadya: For leading the largest mass break-out in Gulag history. You will get 30 years. Maybe 50.
Kermit: But...
Nadya: No "buts," Kermit. You didn't finish Gulag Annual Revue, and you didn't even say goodbye.
Kermit: What?
Miss Piggy: What?
Nadya: You are coming with me. Now, move!
(The guards ran to Kermit)
Kermit: (STAMMERING) Fellas, listen. Easy.
(But it was too late. They grabbed him)
Miss Piggy: No, no, no! Kermit!
Walter: (to the guards) Wait!
(He ran up)
Walter: (to Kermit) We're sorry, Kermit. We're sorry that we didn't notice you were missing. We're sorry we didn't tell you often enough how much you mean to all of us. We're sorry we ever took you for granted. But that's never going to happen again. (to Nadya) Because if Kermit has to go back to the gulag, you'll have to take me, too.
(Kermit shook his head)
Kermit: No.
Fozzie: You're my best friend, Kermit. Wherever you go, I go. You'll have to take me, too.
Gonzo: And me.
(ON Nadya)
GONZO: Kermit, we convinced ourselves that evil frog was you because he gave us what we thought we wanted.
Rowlf: When what we really wanted...
Scooter: What we really needed...
Miss Piggy: (to Kermit) Was you, Kermit. The actual, real you.
(Nadya looked at Kermit. Then she looked at the Muppets)
Nadya: It would appear you were right, Kermit. I guess this is your family.
(ON Gonzo, Rowlf, Walter, Scooter, Miss Piggy, and Fozzie)
(ON Kermit)
(ON Camilla, the Swedish Chef, Beauregard, Wanda, Link Hogthrob, and Lew Zealand)
Nadya: And families belong together. You are free to go.
(ALL GASP)
Nadya: Forever.
(The Muppets all cheered)
Fozzie: Kermit, did you hear that? We're free!
Kermit: Nadya, thank you! Great! That's wonderful!
(But he had to think fast)
Kermit: (to Nadya) Wait! (to the others) Hey, guys, listen. We still have to finish our world tour. And I know where we need to play next. For one night only, Siberia, Russia!
(The Muppets all cheered)
Miss Piggy: Yes, yes! I'll pack my swimsuit right away!
Nadya: Oh, wonderful! It's terrible. You will hate it. You will hate it.
(The guards waded in and began arresting Muppets)
(As usual, Kermit tried to see the bright side of things)
KERMIT: Okay, guys, this is it. The Gulag Finale! Here we go! A-one, two, three, four!
(EXT. GULAG 38B – DAY. The Muppets were in the Gulag, sticked to the metal wall)
Kermit: (SINGING) Together again again
Gee, it's good to be together again again
I just can't imagine that you've ever been gone!
It's not starting over, it's just going on!
Miss Piggy: Together again again
Now we're here and there's no need remembering when
Fozzie: 'Cause no feeling feels like that feeling!
All Cast: Together again!
Animal: Again, again again
(Everyone joined the wall, including Escapo, Saoirse Ronan, UPS Guy, First AD, Tony Bennett, and the Usher)
All Cast: Together again again
Gee, it's good to be together again again
(Everyone joined the wall, including Newspaper Girl, Salma Hayek, and Florist)
I just can't imagine that you've ever been gone!
It's not starting over, it's just going on!
Together again again
Now we're here and there's no need remembering when
'Cause no feeling feels like that feeling!
(Everyone joined the wall, including the Prado Museum guards, Ivan, Irish Journalist, and Theater Manager)
Together again again
Russian Prisoners: I snova my vsey tolpoy
Stol'ko radosti, shto sertse poyot, poyot
(Nadya opens the sweatbox and the maximum security prisoner is JOSH GROBAN)
Maximum Security Prisoner: I just can't imagine that you've ever been gone!
It's not starting over, it's just going on!
All Cast: Together again again
Gee, it's good to be together again again
(Everyone joined the wall, including the Vicar, Sean Combs, and Christoph Waltz)
'Cause no feeling feels like that feeling!
Kermit: Together-a!
Constantine: Together-a!
All Cast: Together again!
Kermit: Okay, Nadya, this is it. Your solo.
(Nadya stepped up, ready for her solo, but she didn't know her words)
(BLACKOUT)
NADYA: Kermit!
(THE END)

(The rope appeared. Sweetums walks to the rope and begins to pull it down to make the credits go up. Another rope appeared with Fozzie)
Sweetums: Oh, boy. Hey, pull the rope!
Fozzie: Oh, right.
(And they both pull two ropes together)
Fozzie: This cast is really heavy. Rowlf, come here. Come here, come here.
ROWLF: Yeah, what do you got there?
FOZZIE: Take this.
(Then, Rowlf takes his turn to pull the rope)
Rowlf: You should have negotiated a smaller font size.
(The Swedish Chef appears with another rope)
Swedish Chef: (GROANS LOUDLY) (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
(Then, Bunsen and Beaker appear. Beaker is holding another rope)
Bunsen: I believe I may have something that could help. This is my automated end-crawl operating machine. All I have to do is push this button and it will crawl all by itself.
(He pushes the button, sending Beaker hoisting himself up, making the credits fast-forward)
Bunsen: Oh. Let's try this.
(He rewinds the credits and back to where the credits is left off. Beaker falls to the ground)
Bunsen: Another qualified success.
(And with that, Bunsen and Sweetums left)
(BEAKER MOANING)
(SWEETUMS GROANING)

CAST
Ricky Gervais – DOMINIC BADGUY
Ty Burrell – JEAN PIERRE NAPOLEON
Tina Fey – NADYA
Steve Whitmire – KERMIT THE FROG, FOO-FOO, STATLER, BEAKER, LIPS, RIZZO THE RAT, LINK HOGTHROB, THE NEWSMAN
Eric Jacobson – MISS PIGGY, FOZZIE BEAR, SAM EAGLE, ANIMAL
Dave Goelz – THE GREAT GONZO, DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW, ZOOT, BEAUREGARD, WALDORF
Bill Barretta – PEPÉ THE KING PRAWN, ROWLF THE DOG, DR. TEETH, THE SWEDISH CHEF, BOBO THE BEAR, BIG MEAN CARL, BABY BOSS, CARLO FLAMINGO, LEPRECHAUN SECURITY GUARD
David Rudman – SCOOTER, JANICE, MISS POOGY, BOBBY BENSON, WAYNE
Matt Vogel – CONSTANTINE, FLOYD PEPPER, SWEETUMS, POPS, ROBIN, LEW ZEALAND, CRAZY HARRY, '80S ROBOT, CAMILLA, UNCLE DEADLY
Peter Linz – WALTER, MANOLO FLAMINGO
Tony Bennett – HIMSELF
Hugh Bonneville – IRISH JOURNALIST
William Brand – BERLINER #2
Andres Cantor – ANNOUNCER
Jemaine Clement – PRISON KING
Kenneth Collard – BERLINER #1
Sean Combs – HIMSELF
Rob Corddry – FIRST AD
Mackenzie Crook – PRADO MUSEUM GUARD # 1
Celine Dion – PIGGY'S FAIRY GODMOTHER
Lady Gaga – HERSELF
Zach Galifianakis – HOBO JOE
Josh Groban – MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISONER
Salma Hayek – HERSELF
Tom Hiddleston – THE GREAT ESCAPO
Tom Hollander – THEATER MANAGER
Toby Jones – PRADO MUSEUM GUARD # 2
Frank Langella – BEEFEATER VICAR
Ray Liotta – BIG PAPA
Ross Lynch – YOUNG FLORIST
James McAvoy – UPS GUY
Aleksandar Mikic – OTHER GUARD
Chloe Grace Moretz – NEWSPAPER GIRL
Fleur Poad – BERLINER #3
Dylan "Hornswoggle" Postl – PRISONER ONE
Usher Raymond – THE USHER
Miranda Richardson – BERLINER AT WINDOW
Saoirse Ronan – HERSELF
Til Schweiger – GERMAN COP
Russell Tovey – DELIVERY MAN
Danny Trejo – DANNY TREJO
Stanley Tucci – IVAN THE GUARD
Christoph Waltz – HIMSELF
UK MUPPET PERFORMERS: Louise Gold, Nigel Plaskitt, Mak Wilson, David Silva Covarrubias
ADDITIONAL UK MUPPET PERFORMERS: Don Austen, William Banyard, Daisy Beattie, Sue Beattie, Lynn Robertson Bruce, Dave Chapman, Marcus Clarke, Richard Coombs, Sue Dacre, Phil Eason, Iestyn Evans, Damian Farrell, Andy Heath, Paul Jomain, Mark Mander, Alison McGowan, Helena Smee, Andrew Spooner, Olly Taylor, Chris Thatcher, Robert Tygner, Fiona Wilson, Shelia Clark, Matthew Crowfoot, Geoffrey Felix, Rachel Leonard, Tony Lymboura, Stan Middleton, Colin Purves, Neil Sternberg, Mandy Travis
LA MUPPET PERFORMERS: David Alan Barclay, Tim Blaney, Julianne Buescher, Tyler Bunch, Kevin Carlson, Nathan Danforth, Alice Dinnean, Tanya Haden, Patrick Johnson, Sean W. Johnson, Brian Jones, Bruce Lanoil, James Murray, Michael Oosterom, Brett O'Quinn, Mike Quinn, Michelan Sisti, David Skelly, Alex Vega, Art Vega, Chase Woolner
ADDITIONAL VOICES: Stephen Apostolina, Annaleigh Ashford, Kirk Baily, Jenica Bergere, David Boat, Kate Carlin, June Christopher, Lewis Cleale, Wendy Cutler, Terri Douglas, Eddie Frierson, Jean Gilpin, Jackie Gonneau, Nicholas Guest, Bridget Hoffman, Nick Jameson, Daniel Kaz, John Lavelle, Patricia Lentz, Katie Lowes, Mona Marshall, Scott Menville, Adam Overett, Paul Pape, Courtney Peldon, Jean-Michel Richaud, Lynwood Robinson, Pepper Sweeney, Fred Tatasciore

(Fozzie appeared)
Fozzie: Check this out.
(He put his hat on the LOS ANGELES UNIT and watch it being elevated)

IN MEMORY OF Jane Henson AND Jerry Nelson

(Fozzie appeared and turned to the audience)
Fozzie: You can go home now, Ma. The movie is over.

(Walt Disney Animation Studios logo: The shorter version. The closing variant is silent)
(Walt Disney Pictures logo: The short version of the CGI castle)